Have you ever been betrayed by someone so many times, after a while, you told yourself, "No more. I will not let this person hurt me anymore. Screw them. F*** them. I don't give a s*** about them." Well, I tried to be like that. In fact, I have always wanted to think of myself as the "tough" girl; the one who will put her foot down when she's been trampled over so many times. Wrong. I have proven myself once again to be the easily bendable and breakable person.
I don't know why but no matter how much someone can hurt me, I can't seem to stay angry at them. I cannot hold a grudge for too long. In the end almost always (mostly likely always but who really knows. My memory is just awful sometimes), I end up being the one to try and reconcile everything. Sometimes I'd wonder what it would be like if I were to just let someone bend their back for me. I guess I'll never know. I'm a pushover. I admit it. I'm a pushover. I let people get their ways a lot because I'm not mentally strong enough to just say, "F*** you," and really put my foot down on those words. I just can't.
I'm sure there are many out there who can agree with me. I've come to realize the person I've become. I'm a
very forgiving and trusting person. My so called ex has dumped me three times and each time, I felt like crap as if I had been used; as though maybe he never really cared. At this point, I've learned that he probably never really meant anything he's ever told me because he's too young to understand what "love" means and that it is more than just the warm giddy feelings in the stomach; the butterflies; the constant compliments; the flirting; the romantic ideas of "I love you. Forever and Always."
MY ex is the reason I am sitting here right now writing this.
Yes, call me "weak" and an "attention whore" for making our relationship issues public to anybody who reads this. Well, whatever. I don't care anymore about what you have to think. This is now my f***ing life and I'll run it the way I've always wanted to. I'm tired of having my feelings being pulled back and forth on a string like a yo-yo. I'm human. I have a heart and it
beats in case you couldn't tell. Just because I don't always come see you and constantly call you cute and plan out romantic things does not mean I never loved or cared for you. Babe, if anything, I showed you what real love actually looks like, everything without the flowers, rainbows and butterflies. I showed you that love is not about always getting what you want. Honey, I know you like romantic plans but I'm tired of being the guy in the relationship when you're the one with the penis.
I forgive you though. I told you last night that I'd be willing to let this all go and be your friend. It's okay to be selfish, to have used me like your blow-up doll. It's alright. I will still always remain the trusting and forgiving person I am, the very elements of me that you despised for fear I'd get myself hurt one day. Babe, you were one of them, if not, the only one who had actually ever betrayed my trust and forgiveness
and disliked it at the same time. It's okay. You're young--17, not ripe and just as oblivious to others' feelings as I am. You say you understand that this hurts me. No, babe. No, you do not understand. You have always been the heartbreaker from your first girlfriend to your last, always the thrill-seeker and when you came to me and told me you were ready for something serious, I believed it and now here I am picking myself up again. For the third time, honey. How many times do you like to break my heart? It's not completely your fault, of course not. I am on the road to forgiving myself for making the mistake of trusting you.
One day, you will see that forgiveness and trust is valuable. Consider yourself fortunate that I am one of those few because I know one day you will be grateful that such people exist when your heart gets smashed as many times as you had broken mine.
I'm still an angry person but I will continue to always remain forgiving, trusting, and loving. That is just how I am and I know that one day, I will truly be appreciated for these qualities although caution is now key.
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