if you should ever need me...

i've been thinking today


and for the first time in months I dont like where I am.

I've been happy with myself and who I've become, but lately I've been reminded of my tendancy to REALLY fuck BIG things up BADLY. I don't know, I guess I've been thinking about how different my life should be. I've been thinking of how much I've changed and trying to decide if I like myself or not. I've been thinking of all of the things that used to make me feel so insecure about myself. I'm back where I was last year emotionally.

I want you to hug me, tell me everything will be okay and that you forgive me. I want to tell you everything I've ever felt and everything I've ever thought and said.




I honestly feel sorry for people who seem to think that their only purpose in life is to judge and talk shit.

who are you to judge anyone? Most of the shit you're drawing conclusions on is he said she said bullshit. I'm seriously so frustrated with all of these girls who think that everyone needs to know/cares about the little petty opinions they have about the world and people. Fuck you. No one wants to hear that shit. No one needs to hear it. Maybe if they all stopped focusing on everyone elses lives and how they live them, these girls could focus on pulling the dead racoons out of their asses and realize that they will probobly never have any real friends. That girl's ugly outfit isn't hurting anyone, if she cuts her hair too short who gives a fuck? If you hear she had sex with 4 guys, 2 zebras and a baboon in one night, well then thats pretty much her business. Let her get pregnant, or gonnorrhea, I mean unless YOU plan on having sex with her. Unless shes inflicting pain and suffering on your life SHUT THE FUUUUUCK UP.


the sad part is that I AM talking about a GROUP of girls and that it ISN'T just one little bitch with a mouth that writes checks her jaw cant fucking cash.

Highschool is filled with so many judgemental little CUNTS. Seriously. It frustrates me, it's an environment I don't like being in.


signing off!

Don't Tell Me It's OK

I've decided that I'm mentally unstable.
I can switch moods faster than anything you've ever seen. Most of the time I try to supress my negative emotions. Who wants to fuck with a bitch who looks mad all the time? Yeah exactly. I used to seem like such a bitter angry person. At the time I was probobly one of the most unappealing people you'd ever see. I like knowing the fact that I can make certain people's days better just because I was there. I have more problems and emotional issues than ever in my life. Can you tell? Probably not.

I feel so boxed in and controlled. I have a lot of freedom for being a minor, but for some reason I want more. I guess I've always been this way, but never to this extreme. I want control. I want to have control over every aspect of my life. And for the first time I have none. I'm very headstrong and seemingly confident, but its not enough to get what I want. I feel like I don't have enough ambition. I have all of these plans and dreams for myself, but I'm too scared to take the first step in persuing them.

This is the first time in months that I actually care about relationships. Since May it's always been a space filler. I knew I was lonely, and I knew that I had many options, and I didn't care. If I felt like I needed some affection I'd take advantage of my options until I had my fill. Now I just want someone to do all of the stereotypical boyfriendly things every female expects in a relationship. I also want so much more than that. I want emotional security, I want the crying shoulder, I want someone to tell me when I'm fucking up. I'm not a mind reader, most of the time I have no damn idea when anything is wrong, I'm not perfect I AM HUMAN and I don't intend on trying to be a perfectionist. I'm a lot more giving than I used to be. A part of me thinks I'm only doing this to make up for all of the horrible things I've ever said and done in my short life already lived.

I'm finally dealing with things as how they are and NOT how they should be. I realized that I don't always have to get my way, I turned in to this draconian bat out of HELL bullying my way to self satisfaction. Fuck it all. I want happiness, simplicity and love. Maybe I should just smoke a bowl, stop showering and beg for world peace. Ha. At least I still have my sense of humor. Maybe this is be cracking? I don't know.

movies etc.. etc...

I haven’t updated in like what? Two weeks? Dah who cares? I happen to know for a fact that my loyal readers, (CLINT ,TIPPPY AND ARGEL) check on me once a week..

ANYWAY, I saw the Dark Knight, Ledger did a phenomenal job. No I did not see the Twilight trailer the theatre thought I was not special enough. But to be honest I didn’t make abig fit about it like some fellow twilighters would. Sure I was upset but I dismissed it as soon as the lights turned off further and the movie began.
Thanks for the email Rob I can always count on you.


rob: What are your top ten movies in order of preference? Tell me why you like your number one the best.
1. Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl
2. The Boondock Saints
3. Gremlins and Gremlins 2
4. Little Nicky
5. Happy Feet
6. Shakespeare in Love
7. The Italian Job
8. Ocean’s Eleven
9. The Home Alone Series
10. The Fifth Element
11. Men in Black

Pirates of the Caribbeanl;
Curse of the Black Pearl is number one because, I like pirates they are so cool, it’s a good movie ...

wHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP??

It’s a question that has been bouncing in my head since I was asked by my D.A.R.E. Officer, Officer Rose. He didn’t even wait for my answer he just sat there and said ‘Drugs will get in your way.’


But what if I want to be a drug addict? What if I do want to get taken advantage of in one of my various highs? If those were my life goals –which they are not– I suppose that dialogue wouldn't work. Moving on, well I’ve changed my goals from Astronaut to Scientist over the years till finally I got my batteries put in correctly and I decided to make head way in Aero. That worked for a few years but then I found my dust laced writing notebooks. I read all my material and I fell in love with a couple of my stories and it snapped me out of my five year writer’s block. Since then I’ve been writing and navigating the Atlantic like waters that are in my head. But then I saw how hard it is to get published and I figured I would settle for bookstore owner. Now I got another question, why settle? I decided to give myself a little credit and my characters a little love by publishing my work. Hopefully one day I'll see my work in print. My point is that my writing won't be taking the backburner anymore it will be part of my main job-goal.

the kinds of friends on friendster i hate!!!

I have a feeling…I need to fulfill, I got my biteplate today and I’m not so happy. I thsound like a walking lithhhhp. I’m going to stop popping my plate in and out of my mouth and rant on the kind of friendster users I detest for the next two minutes.

Footprint Hunters: Those certain users that send you a message/comment that follows along the lines of ‘You visited my site, why didn’t you post a comment?’

Mass Messengers: I don’t want to vote for you at dumb friendster contest, I don’t want to add your friend, and I most certainly don’t care that your friend’s site has been hacked. People that send pointless mass messages need a little more fresh air; I’m not going to list usernames but you know exactly who you are. Some are so annoying that the only option you have left is to delete them. That’s why you should vote for this idea, right now!

Paranoid : Those scared-witless members that you happen upon every once in a while. You know, you send them a comment and they answer with… ‘OMG!!! Who are you? Where did you get my e-add?!?!?! OMG!” Imagine if you commented back with 'I'm a serial killer and you're my next victim.' Of course that is an exaggeration but the situation calls for it.


Meaningless Commenter: You get stupid comments from these people, that don’t have anything to do with your post let alone you. Makes you wonder how much of a life they have.

Time Stamper from Hell: You people that repost your articles over and over again. You posted it once; you want us to read it, we get it! If people didn’t read it the first time maybe they just are not interested, but there is also another problem which brings us to the next irritable kind.

Manic Poster: Those people that post pointless rants, or surveys at least four times a day. You flood my god dam inbox and I can’t read my subscriptions without forwarding through two pages of your garbage.

Stalkers: You know that certain username that always pops up but isn’t your friend or even comments your material. Scaaa.ry!

Alright I don't know how to close this post out so yeah. Uhm, later!

personal: waiting for sex rant!!!

I got a question. What is the point of waiting till you get married to have sex? I mean what if you don’t necessarily want to tie the knot with that person but you think he/she will rock your world for the next fourteen minutes? I mean what is life if not a little-action at the end of the day or at noon or whenever you do it? I don’t think I’m going to wait…okay I’m not going to wait. However I’m not going to give it to everyone that will take it, I’m not a slut. But for some reason if you are not a virgin when you get married in my family you’re a whore. It just hangs over you like the sword of Damocles.

Anyway my rant is over, I’m working on a post, trying to make it worth reading.Have a nice morning/night/evening. That was listed out of order but that’s the Irish way.

Quotes that have caught my eye..

when your life is pulling you in every direction
take a deep breath and forget where you belong
just think of where you want to be.

No one can promise they'll never hurt you,
because at one time or another they will.
the real promise is if the time yo spent together
will be worth the pain in the end.


Every time I look at you, I feel better. It shocks me it knocks my wind out, but it's true. I don't have to have sex with you, I'd be happy just to look at you from across the room. And even that, anything, any piece of you, and hopefully all of you, that'd be thebest thing because I love you.
+Greys Anatomy


Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it.
Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us.
That doesn't make you a bad person ; it just means your heart's too big.
+Riding in Cars with Boys


My biggest fear is that I'll never find another love like this one. I hadn't asked for this to happen. I didn’t want to fall. But here I am, at the bottom, completely in love with you. I'd trade everything to have you here. I'd give up everything for the feeling I feel when I'm with you. If I can't feel it again, then I don't know what I'd do. Your scent, the feel of your skin against mine, the soft kisses on these warm summer nights. This is what I waited my whole life for. And I'm going to spend my entire life searching for a moment where I feel it again.


its not the perfect love story,
or a fairytale by any means.
but every time i look you in the eyes,
i feel like a princess in love with a prince.


i need you to know that the way i feel for you,
its not like anything else i've ever experienced.
this time its all so different.
this time i know 115%, that this love is real.

And when your world seems to

come crashing down, and the

people you thought you trusted have

betrayed you, smile. Smile, and

maybe i'm not as pretty as her,
and maybe i don't act like she does.
but i'll bet you she hasn't gone through what i have.
i'll bet she's never just cried her heart out
because the whole world was caving in
and she just couldn't take it anymore.


You know what my biggest
fear is? That one day, we'll pass
each other on the street and
have that artificial conversation.



I wanna be the one you're waiting
for, not the one waiting for you.


Some people come into
out lives and quickly go.
Some stay and
leave footprints on our hearts.



I hate it when
a guy knows
you like him,
and he abuses
the privilege


Be loved but never love.
Attach but never combine.
Trip but never fall.
To be broken is better than to be shattered.
Tell him on your strength but never your past.
Be trustworthy but never trust.
Be cracked but never open.


Be thankful for hard times in your life. Try not to
look at them as bad things, but as opportunities
to grow and learn.



Love is something you feel in your heart, not your head.
So don’t look for a certain type of person, a doctor with
and Ivy League education and a great tennis game.
You might find him but not find love, instead pay attention
to the man who smiles at you in the stationary store or
in the line at the movies. If your heart tells you that there’s
something about him, listen to it. He might just be the one!


I'm learning that sometimes,
even when you love someone more than you thought possible,
you have to let go of them.
It stings like hell, but it's life.
Letting fo to become who you're destined to be.
Freeing yourself from the people who
just don't fit into your plans anymore.
It's all about letting go.
The key is to take it day by day,
moment by moment.
And eventually, when you reach that place,
that happiness, that you've been waiting for forever,
letting go was the right thing to do.


I believe that two people are connected at the heart
and it doesn't matter what you do
or who you are or where you live.
There are no boundaries or barriers if two people
are destined to be together.

play me? nah, play em harder.. fuck me over?? just brush it off and hustle harder..

I loved you. And here's a news flash.
you protected me from nothing. I spent a long
time missing you, wondering what the hell
I did wrong to make you do that to me.
I thought everything was my fault. And even
when I got over that, I still knew what
I'd lost: you. You were the one who
made me laugh when I had a crappy day.
You were the one I vented to when I was
mad, the one I shared all the good stuff with.
You always knew when I was full of crap,
and you always called me on it. You were smart,
you were funny, you were good-looking.
You were mine. And then, suddenly,
you weren't. I knew every day exactly what I'd
lost, and I missed you every day, and I
believed in you ever day, and my heart broke
every day. That's the big favor you did for me.
Thanks so much. Here's the kicker.
You weren't even protecting me. You were
protecting yourself. If you'd given half a
thought to me, you would have said goodbye.

To every girl that is scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt too many times or so badly.

To every girl that has been cheated on, because she's not a slut who gives it up to any guy.

To every girl that dresses cute, not skanky.

To every girl who wants to be called beautiful, not hot.

To every girl that will spend her whole day looking for the perfect present for you.

To every girl who gets her heart broken because he chose that bitch instead.

To every girl that would die to have a decent boyfriend.

To every girl who would just once like to be treated like a princess.

To every girl that cries at night because of another heartbreak.

To every girl that won't get down on her knees & open her mouth just to get a boyfriend.

To every girl that just wants to hold hands.

To every girl that kisses him with meaning.

To every girl who just wishes he cared more.

To every girl who would just once want a guy to give their jacket up when they are cold.

To every girl who just wants him to call.

To every girl who lies awake at night thinking about him.

To every girl that just wants to cuddle.

To every girl that just wants to sleep with him without having sex.

To every girl who shows how much she cares & gets nothing back.

To every girl that thought "maybe this one could be the one".

To every girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually doesn't think it is funny.

To every girl who is just looking for that one & only & is having a rough time along the way.

To every girl that doesn't want a guy who just plays with her emotions but actually cares about how she feels.

To every girl who wants words backed up with actions.

To every girl that fell for all the lies only to find themselves alone in the end.

To every girl that gave her heart away to have it shoved back in her face.

To every girl that has faith that "tomorrow will be a better day.

trust no longer exist

It's the worst feeling in the

world to love and hate someone

all at the same time. And it's hard

to watch things change when all

you want is for them to stay the

same. It's funny but stupid how

you want everything and nothing

at the same time. It's crazy when

you want to let go, but you keep

holding on. And when you want to

move on, but you're stuck right

where you started. When feelings

come and go and you can't decide

what you want. When you have so

many things to say but you don't

know where to start. When you

want them in your life so bad, but

all you can do is push them farther

and farther away. It's so hard to

think back to how things used to

be and look at it now and realize

that things are different and they

may never be the same. You tell

yourself it's not worth it, but if it

really didn't matter, you wouldn't

spend so much time thinking about it

i love my mum so damn much

Okay, so yea.. I realized today how much I look like my mom. I brought in a picture of me and my mom when I was a little less than a year old, and she was about 20, and everyone looked at the picture and said "Who's the baby you're with?" and when I told them that it was me, and that the woman was my mom they were like "No way! You guys look just alike!" So yea. I look like my mom. That's okay though. My mom's akj . LOL. On the real though.. I love my mom.

just a poem...

ok, well another thing i didnt tell u about myself that i love wrting poems and storys... so im going to put up my poems here too. i would love if u comment them telling me if they are good, ok, bad. \

This is: No Freedom

Breathing heavily

Four walls comsume me

Making me harder to breath

No freedom

I look out the window

Seeing the hills

Seeing the sky

Seeing...a...bird....fly...away

"Help.....me.."

thats the only one today. another one will be up soon.

i wonder if god is looking down on us. or he is just a figure that we need in our life cuz we can blame things on him? i wonder if he likes me and the way i am doing stuff? or he just wants to turn his back on me?

whats the point of living life when u have nothing to live for????

i wonder and then i ponder over the simplest of questions. Maybe it isnt the simplest question... the question is

" whats the point of living life when u have nothing to live for?"

then the ppl that i asked this question to says something along the lines of to make something to live for. or something like that.


what if it isnt that simple? what if they work all there lives and cant make it? what if they were sick of life and just wanted to quit?

maybe theres hints all around the world telling ppl. calling out to ppl telling them that they arnt fine that they need help. maybe ppl are to stupid to relize it. maybe ppl are rly bad and they just come arcoss that they are happy and fine. that there is nothing wrong with them


maybe the girl or boy behind u in that math class who is rly smart but shy suddenly stoped caring. stoped talking. noone cared. she/he stoped coming to school. then u find out she/he killed themself.

would u feel bad? would u tought back to the days where they started to change? would u have acted any differently?

sometimes maybe ppl should look behind the face, the words, the actions. when u are making fun of that person for something they did. or startingrumors about them
maybe u should stop and think of what that action will do to them.

maybe it will push them over the edge

i wish.....

Anyway I am sooo bored soooo im just writing stupid stuff in here to keep my mind occupied.

The more I look at the world around me, the more I wish I could immerse myself in a story, a fairy tale, a novel, a poem, a manga, any form of fiction but this autobiography I'm living in. Some days are fine, some days good, some days I wish I were another person entirely. But most days I'm just frightened, frustrated, & confused.

At least within a story, I know my place. Within a story, I know which part to play & how the story ends.

When you write a story, you're in control of the thoughts pouring through your characters' heads. You know all their thoughts & feelings. You know their backgrounds & their histories. You know where they're going in life, & what their intentions really are.

Not in life, though. In life, you are completely alone. It's all a guessing game.

Life is a test where all the questions are problem solving or analysis,
& no one warned you before hand that you had to learn all of this.

We're born alone, we die alone. We live, essentially, alone.

If only my life were a story, I'd know if all of this had a good ending. I'd know how my family & friends will get on when I'm gone or if they'll go before I do...

I'd find out what the answer to life's tests are; hopefully a lot sooner than the final chapter. But it isn't, so I won't.
Back to the Bio, I guess...

reflections of 2008..

Another Year Behind...

I think 2008 had it's ups and downs and a lot was learned in 08. It's definitley a year to remember. I learned a lot not only about other people but 2008 taught me a lot about myself. I learned that I'm strong enough to make it through anything and nothing is too hard. God won't give me more than I can handle. I've cried I've laughed and been through so much and realized the ones that are still in my circle are the only ones that matter. Those are my real friends. I've also began to learn that nobody can't love me the way that I can love myself. A guy's not worth my time if he's no longer in my life. (So if I don't call you don't take it personal). Last years resolution was to speak up a little more than I have in the past and that resolution was definitley accomplished in many ways than one. That and moving on campus kind of got me to speak my mind a little more and it was for the best please believe me. I've made new friends in 2008 and lost some along the way but they weren't supposed to be there in the first place obviously. I've learned to forgive and forget the past as hard it was. Some people really do change. I've lost love and I've found it as easy as it was lost. I've also learned that I will always be friends with my first love no matter what the two of go through he's always there. He doesn't even know it. And then my circle (some old and some new) are my real friends and hopefully we'll continue to be friends. I trust them (which is hard for me) and I'll always have their back. 2008 was a struggle, a blessing and a learning experience all in one. Hopefully 2009 will be brighter I'll always look forward never look back. ..


last years been a long one. Not necessarily great but it's a been a very long 2008. I figured out myself finally. What I like, what I don't,and what I do and don't want out of life. I learned the lesson that wanting and needing are two totally different things. Just because you want something doesn't necessarily mean you need it. I've been brought up and brought down but I've realized life will sometimes be hard but never too hard and god will never give me more than I can handle.

Being that I accomplished last years resolution I decided to create some more resolution with hopes of a successful and brighter 2009.

New Years Resolutions. Things I hope to do/Accomplish in 2009.

I promise to update my blog more.
Laugh more.
Worry less.
Work harder.
Dream bigger.
Share more
Love more

Stand up
Continue to focus on myself
and to put down my guard and don't be afraid to let people in.

mass messages...

I think it's really funny when someone sends a mass message telling everyone else to stop mass messaging.

Honestly, I don't see what difference it makes. Don't read them if you don't want to. Delete them, who gives a crap.

something.. someone pls.?????

I'm in need of someone new.
Someone I'd never see myself with.

Someone to make me a better person,
and hopefully impact me in a better way.
Someone to change my perspective on life.
Someone to get my to quit smoking
and really get me to live.

I'm in need of something real.
Something not temporary
or fake.
Something meaningful.
Something that makes me happy.
Something that will change my life.

Cause thats what I really need most.
Change.

for you...

I just want to say one thing to you. Don't bother trying to explain your emotions. Live everything intensely as you can and keep whatever you felt as a gift from God. If you think that you won't be able to stand a world in which living is more important than understanding, then give up magic now. The best way to destroy the bridge between the visible and the invisible is by trying to explain your emotions." Emotions were like wild horses, and all she could do now was set them free.......

And finally its over...

I guess my whole life I've been looking for love. I really did think I found it with him (the guy i talked about in my autobiography). I never imagined things would end this way, that I could find someone who would make me happier, that would treat me this much better.

All I'd ever hear him talk about was us, our future, and our life together. All I'd ever hear from him were lies.

I always knew how he felt, but how I felt never mattered. So long as he was happy so was I. As long as we were okay, I was just fine. When I needed him the most he was never there. When I'd talk about myself he'd pay no attention. When I needed his support he'd give it to someone else. & When he fucked up he'd find a way to put the blame on me.

Despite everything I learned to live with it. It was almost as if he was taking over my life. I couldn't do anything without asking him about it, I felt like I needed to hear his opinion on everything before I dared to do a single thing. My entire conversation with friends consisted of him, and only him. Besides I rarely talked to most friends anymore... and yet I never noticed because my main and only concern was talking to him.

He took over my life and made me believe it was love. Convinced me that with out him I had nothing, and for a while this seemed true. I can't thank God any more than I already have for helping me realize how blind I've been. I promise to never make the same mistake again.

Now we never speak, but for once I dont care. For once I'm taking it slow, taking one step at a time and seeing where things go. I've managed to find someone who truly makes me happy, not just because he's happy but because of all the things he says and does.. He's always there. He always listens. He's more than over protective and supportive. & Best of all, he takes full responsibility for all times he messes up.

Finally. :)

......yes i am

I want to change the world with my presence and joy! I am constantly trying to humble myself, trying to become my heart in the flesh. I love to laugh and to have fun! I am constantly learning something new about what life is all about and discovering something new about myself. I tend to always see the good through out the bad (at least try) and consider myself a strong person.There isn't much that I feel like I can't handle. I want to leave this world not just knowing that I have experienced life but to know that I have made a positive impact on the world. I seek honesty in everything and love life! If you want to know anything about me just ask!!

got it???

Guess what... this is me, like it or not. If you don't want to hear my opinion or veiw on things... don't read it. Plain and simple. I'm not gonna say things on here to please others. This is me and my thoughts.. take it or leave it. I'm not asking anyone to take my side or think a certain way b'cuz I do.. I'm just saying it as I see it. And if you don't like it.. remember I never asked you to.