Today when i awoke, i suddenly realized that this is the best day of my life ever!
there where times when i wondered if i would make it to today, but i did. and because i did, im going to celebrate. today im going to celebrate what an unbelievable life i have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and yes even the hardships because they have served to mmake me stronger.
I will go through this day with my head held high and happy heart. i will marvel at gods seemingly simple gifts. today i will share my excitement for life with other people , ill make someone smile. ill go out of my way to perform an unexpected act of kindness for someone i dont even know. today ill give a sincere compliment to someone who seems down. ill tell everyone how special they are and ILL TELL SOMEONE I LOVE JUST HOW I DEEPLY CARE FOR HIM AND HOW MUCH HE MEANS TO ME...
Today is the day i quit worrying about what i dont have and start being greatful for all the wonderful things GOD has already given me. ill remember that to worry is just a waste of time because my faith in god and his DIVINE PLAN ensures everything will be just fine.
And tonight before i go to bed ill go outside and raise my eyes to the heavens. i will stand in awe at the beauty of the stars and the moon and i will praise GOD for these magnificent treasures.
As the day ends and i lay my head down my pillow i will thank the ALMIGHTY for the best day of my life. and i will sleep the sleep of a contented child excited with expectation because i know tomorrow is going to be THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!
Saturday
grrrrrr.. what the fuck???
WTF is up with all this Vampire shiite? They are literally EVERYWHERE in popular culture. Can anyone explain to me why people under the age of 20 are obsessed with the entirely fictitious idea of demonic, blood suckers torn from the pages of Tiger Beat magazine and thrust into the local High School to bewitch the likes of jocks, cheerleaders and brainiacs on Main streets across the Western world? This guy Pattinson looks like he could actually use some real blood in his anemic body; his hair looks healthier than he does. Are teens so bored and dismissive of real life that they would rather retreat into a fantasy world where at least you know what to expect from the brooding new kid with the fangs? Enough already.
Sunday
if you could make someone love you
Think back to when you've been hurt...when someone has broken your heart. I know that I've been there. In the heat of my dark passionate angry hurt I've said some pretty ridiculous things. Things like "I hope I die in a car wreck, and that would really show him! Then he'll realize what he's missing".
You know...silly, hurt, selfish things.But sometimes the thoughts turn to things like "I wish I could make him love me." There it is...the problem. We can't control people's will. We can manipulate, influence, beg, cry, encourage, ridicule, but we can't control. We can't make someone love us. It sucks, it hurts, it's awful...but it's true.
You know...silly, hurt, selfish things.But sometimes the thoughts turn to things like "I wish I could make him love me." There it is...the problem. We can't control people's will. We can manipulate, influence, beg, cry, encourage, ridicule, but we can't control. We can't make someone love us. It sucks, it hurts, it's awful...but it's true.
AN INFORMAL LETTER TO A DIFFICULT FRIEND
Dearest friend,
I know our relationship has been difficult and we haven't really spoken in a long time, but it's recently become clear that we'll be seeing a lot of each other in the next few months. The issues we've faced in the past are going to resurface and we really, really need to work this out now before it's too late.I'll admit I've said some terrible things about you in the past. I apologize. You think me unintelligent for not understanding you, even after years of trying. That's not true. You're difficult, you know? I know I've given up on you in the past and even broke your trust by cheating, but never again. I'm not going to give up on you this time. I'm determined to understand. I'm determined to keep trying.That said, I hope things are easier this time around. I hope everything sinks in easier. I promise to keep trying despite how difficult you are. And you really are. Don't deny it and I'll try to keep my "hate" claims under wraps this semester.
MATH, I do want to be your friend. Really. Just help me understand you. Please.
MUCH LOVE,
IRISH
I know our relationship has been difficult and we haven't really spoken in a long time, but it's recently become clear that we'll be seeing a lot of each other in the next few months. The issues we've faced in the past are going to resurface and we really, really need to work this out now before it's too late.I'll admit I've said some terrible things about you in the past. I apologize. You think me unintelligent for not understanding you, even after years of trying. That's not true. You're difficult, you know? I know I've given up on you in the past and even broke your trust by cheating, but never again. I'm not going to give up on you this time. I'm determined to understand. I'm determined to keep trying.That said, I hope things are easier this time around. I hope everything sinks in easier. I promise to keep trying despite how difficult you are. And you really are. Don't deny it and I'll try to keep my "hate" claims under wraps this semester.
MATH, I do want to be your friend. Really. Just help me understand you. Please.
MUCH LOVE,
IRISH
the art of LOL-ing
...is mastered by not LOL-ing at all. let me be very clear about this, i despise the use of the phrase "lol" and if you use it, i will think less of you.
unless you are one of the few people who actually laughs out loud everytime you type lol, or literally rolls on the ground dying of laughter when ROFLMAO-ing, shame on you for using it. or rather, abusing it.
it's rarely used genuinely, and even if you are one of the few people who does laugh out loud, why not extend that to more sincere phrase like "hahaha" where you can express how much you are laughing by typing more haha's (with discretion, of course), rather than adding random letters to represent physical actions?
and don't you DARE "lol haha" ... someone did this to me today and i had to restrain myself from lashing out. not only is that redundant, it defeats the purpose and severely angers any LOL-haters you may be conversing with.
instances where people (read: noobs) lol
1. when something someone says isn't remotely interesting or entertainingA: omg, my mom just burned the toast!B: lol...
2. in real life. really? as if people didn't bombard me with the phrase enough online.A: Billy failed his math test.B: LAWLZZZZZ
3. as punctuationA: hey, what are you up to?B: just watching tv, lol
4. to soften the blowA: you look horrible today, lol
5. when you have nothing else to sayA: lolB: lol
now tell me, is LOL not the most pathetic excuse for an internet acronym ever? it's ranked right up there with the fillers "like" and "um". personally, i can tolerate minor LOL usage, but abuse of the phrase will eventually lead to someone stabbing you in the face (that would be me, i'm not afraid to admit it)
so, LOL in moderation, if not at all.
--------edit--------
wow, jeez this is controversial... so i made some...
premade responses to comments filled with hate :(
- lolplease come up with something more original. was clever the first time, but 20984 other people also said the same thing...
- why are you complaining about "LOL" when there's poverty in the world? why are you taking this so seriously? my blog, back off yo. if there are more serious issues at hand, then YOU blog about them.
- you're getting lots of comments, just like you wanted.seriously? someone sounds like someone's a bit jealous... and bitter. and i would never do that. feel free to not believe me, but it's the truth.
- you complain too much!obviously you're blind and missed the whole giant "i like to draw. AND COMPLAIN." at the top of the page. you were warned!
- can't believe you think less of lol-fansi'm sorry, did you read wrong? because i did specify people who overuse/abuse the acronym- what a lame thing to talk about. my dear, i don't give a damn.excuse me? who asked you to read this? AND comment on it?
unless you are one of the few people who actually laughs out loud everytime you type lol, or literally rolls on the ground dying of laughter when ROFLMAO-ing, shame on you for using it. or rather, abusing it.
it's rarely used genuinely, and even if you are one of the few people who does laugh out loud, why not extend that to more sincere phrase like "hahaha" where you can express how much you are laughing by typing more haha's (with discretion, of course), rather than adding random letters to represent physical actions?
and don't you DARE "lol haha" ... someone did this to me today and i had to restrain myself from lashing out. not only is that redundant, it defeats the purpose and severely angers any LOL-haters you may be conversing with.
instances where people (read: noobs) lol
1. when something someone says isn't remotely interesting or entertainingA: omg, my mom just burned the toast!B: lol...
2. in real life. really? as if people didn't bombard me with the phrase enough online.A: Billy failed his math test.B: LAWLZZZZZ
3. as punctuationA: hey, what are you up to?B: just watching tv, lol
4. to soften the blowA: you look horrible today, lol
5. when you have nothing else to sayA: lolB: lol
now tell me, is LOL not the most pathetic excuse for an internet acronym ever? it's ranked right up there with the fillers "like" and "um". personally, i can tolerate minor LOL usage, but abuse of the phrase will eventually lead to someone stabbing you in the face (that would be me, i'm not afraid to admit it)
so, LOL in moderation, if not at all.
--------edit--------
wow, jeez this is controversial... so i made some...
premade responses to comments filled with hate :(
- lolplease come up with something more original. was clever the first time, but 20984 other people also said the same thing...
- why are you complaining about "LOL" when there's poverty in the world? why are you taking this so seriously? my blog, back off yo. if there are more serious issues at hand, then YOU blog about them.
- you're getting lots of comments, just like you wanted.seriously? someone sounds like someone's a bit jealous... and bitter. and i would never do that. feel free to not believe me, but it's the truth.
- you complain too much!obviously you're blind and missed the whole giant "i like to draw. AND COMPLAIN." at the top of the page. you were warned!
- can't believe you think less of lol-fansi'm sorry, did you read wrong? because i did specify people who overuse/abuse the acronym- what a lame thing to talk about. my dear, i don't give a damn.excuse me? who asked you to read this? AND comment on it?
the social apology...
Maybe some of you have noticed what I have noticed, namely, some people find it very difficult or practically even impossible to apologize even if they think they are wrong, others think they are wrong so rarely that they never apologize anyway, and then there is another group, namely, those who apologize too much.
I'll start with the latter group because someone in that group played a featured role in my life recently, and it really gets old. This is the person who apologizes so readily and so frequently that it has come to have no meaning whatsoever. This is the type of person who
a) does whatever he wants, knowing all along it is the wrong or hurtful thing to do under the circumstances, then apologizes later with the idea of making it all OK for himself
b) continues to apologize instead of explaining when asked for the truth
c) possibly (for example) a person with addictions, the results of which cause consequences hurtful to others; who always 'slips' or 'falls off the wagon' then does something hurtful, then says "I'm sorry, it will never happen again." And this happens time after time after time, pretty much the exact same thing over and over again
OH that gets so old, hearing that kind of apology. It loses all meaning, and to me it reminds me of someone who says 'I love you' so many times (and mostly when they've screwed up in a major way) that the 'I love yous' just become completely meaningless.
As to the category of the person who is never wrong or doesn't feel that they are ever wrong, that's a different story because, of course everybody is wrong sometimes. Important however:
Just because someone has never apologized to you doesn't mean that is a person who thinks they are never wrong. Perhaps it is only someone you don't know that well, or don't have all that much interaction with, or perhaps there is a situation where there is no real right and wrong and it's all just a matter of opinion.
There may be a time when you believe a person should have apologized to you and they don't. That doesn't mean they were wrong, necessarily.
Then you have the personality which doesn't enjoy apologizing and so they rarely do. I think this category has a lot of people in it, but personally I'd rather be around this kind of personality instead of the chronic apologizer. At least with this kind of personality, you know that when they apologize, the apology is extremely sincere.
I am in this last category as I suspect so many of us are, and not so long ago I apologized to a GUY (and I didn't it even though I did not think my 'crime' was all that great, nonetheless I still did it, and it was entirely sincere). Now it wasn't easy to do, and so far as I ever heard I was most definitely not 'forgiven,' but I do not regret having apologized because the truly sincere apology is not something you'd ever want to take back no matter how poorly it is received.
I'll start with the latter group because someone in that group played a featured role in my life recently, and it really gets old. This is the person who apologizes so readily and so frequently that it has come to have no meaning whatsoever. This is the type of person who
a) does whatever he wants, knowing all along it is the wrong or hurtful thing to do under the circumstances, then apologizes later with the idea of making it all OK for himself
b) continues to apologize instead of explaining when asked for the truth
c) possibly (for example) a person with addictions, the results of which cause consequences hurtful to others; who always 'slips' or 'falls off the wagon' then does something hurtful, then says "I'm sorry, it will never happen again." And this happens time after time after time, pretty much the exact same thing over and over again
OH that gets so old, hearing that kind of apology. It loses all meaning, and to me it reminds me of someone who says 'I love you' so many times (and mostly when they've screwed up in a major way) that the 'I love yous' just become completely meaningless.
As to the category of the person who is never wrong or doesn't feel that they are ever wrong, that's a different story because, of course everybody is wrong sometimes. Important however:
Just because someone has never apologized to you doesn't mean that is a person who thinks they are never wrong. Perhaps it is only someone you don't know that well, or don't have all that much interaction with, or perhaps there is a situation where there is no real right and wrong and it's all just a matter of opinion.
There may be a time when you believe a person should have apologized to you and they don't. That doesn't mean they were wrong, necessarily.
Then you have the personality which doesn't enjoy apologizing and so they rarely do. I think this category has a lot of people in it, but personally I'd rather be around this kind of personality instead of the chronic apologizer. At least with this kind of personality, you know that when they apologize, the apology is extremely sincere.
I am in this last category as I suspect so many of us are, and not so long ago I apologized to a GUY (and I didn't it even though I did not think my 'crime' was all that great, nonetheless I still did it, and it was entirely sincere). Now it wasn't easy to do, and so far as I ever heard I was most definitely not 'forgiven,' but I do not regret having apologized because the truly sincere apology is not something you'd ever want to take back no matter how poorly it is received.
an open letter to my mum....
Dear Mom,
I know it must be hard for you to realize that I’m growing up. I know you want me to be that five year old who was only pretending to be seventeen, but it’s real, Mom, I’m getting older.
Growing up is hard enough on it’s own. I need your support in all that I do because in a year I’ll be leaving, and you’re going to have to let me go. You can’t pretend that I’m a little kid anymore. Let’s face it, Mom, I’m not.
I know you want to be there to protect me from all the dangers of the world. I know you never want me to get hurt. But it’s impossible, Mom. I know you don’t want me to dye my hair because you’re afraid it will get messed up, or that I’ll hate it. But I need you to let me make my own mistakes. Let it be my choice, and if I hate it, it will be my own doing, and maybe I’ll learn to think harder before I change my hair next time. What will happen when I have a much harder decision to make than what shade to dye my hair? I won’t always have you there to say “no”, to make the choice for me, I need to learn on my own.
I know you want to do things for me. I know you want to shelter me, to help me, to be a mom. But big responsibilities are coming my way, much bigger than just doing my own laundry. I need you to let me do things one step at a time, to learn for myself, to stop being dependent on you for everything. I know it’s your job to take care of me, and you still can, in some aspects, but I’m almost an adult, it’s time to step aside and let me do things on my own.
I know it’s your job to tell me what to do. I know you’re supposed to yell at me, to nag me, and to tell me to clean my room. But, Mom, when I get to college in just one short year, will you be there to tell me to clean my room? I’m old enough to tell when my room needs a tidy, I just do things slowly, and I clean when I feel like cleaning. But it gets done, I promise. Let me take this one responsibility and not have to be told to do things. You no longer have to tell me to do my homework or to take a bath like you did when I was younger, I’m starting to learn to do things on my own time, and sometimes there are consequences, but I want to learn those on my own. I don’t need you to be there telling me what to do and when to do it. Soon enough, you won’t be there telling me, so I should know how to act for myself before the time comes.
Please trust that I can make the right decisions for myself, and not always need you there to tell me. Trust that I will do the right thing, trust that you have raised me right and believe in your heart that things you told me will carry on to the rest of my life.
I know it’s hard to imagine letting go of your first baby. I know I’m supposed to be that tiny girl you held in your arms years ago. I know I’m supposed to be at home with you watching Sesame Street and eating Popsicles. Those times were great, but now it’s time to move on. I’m not a baby anymore. I know the first child is supposed to be the innocent one, the one who has no older siblings with evil ways for me to follow. I still have innocence, Mom, but I’m older now. I want to grow up for real. I want to choose my own path and grow and learn. I don’t want to be treated like I’m five. And I wanna tell you, Mom, you got lucky with me. I know you always say that, but I just want to remind you. You’re lucky that I’m as innocent as I am. You never really told me anything but that drinking and drugs are bad. You told me horror stories but you never really went in to depth with me. You never told me that I’d be curious about drugs, you never told me I’d want to experiment, you never told me I’d have to choose not to when everyone else was. You never talked to me about sex. You never told me that it’s all boys really want, and you never talked to me about birth control or ways to do it safely. You never told me reasons not to. Luckily I grew up with a good head on my shoulders, fell into the right crowds, and set my own morals. I knew not to do the things I told myself were bad. I knew how to resist peer pressure and to not do things I didn’t want to do. I knew I wanted to save myself for someone special. But, Mom, talk to your other kids. Kids these days aren’t as innocent as your own, and you might not get as lucky with them. Please do what you never did with me, talk to them, be a friend, develop a relationship, let them know they can talk to you about anything. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, I know I was your first, I know it’s hard to talk to me, but growing up I never felt I could talk to you about things like sex and drugs, or even just boys. I kept it in my head or talked with friends. Luckily, I turned out okay, but some kids don’t do okay not feeling like they have anyone to talk to. So talk to them, Mom, I’m begging you.
Know that I have a mind of my own. Know that I can think for myself and that I’ll be okay in the real world. I know I can make it. I have examples from you and Dad, good and bad. I learn from you guys everyday, whether you know it or not. But I want you to know that I don’t necessarily believe everything you and Dad believe. I don’t always think what you guys think, even though I don’t always voice it. I’ve been able to mold myself from my own experiences, not just from what you’ve told me throughout the years. I disagree with you on a lot of points, I just want you to accept me for who I am, no matter what; that’s what a mom does. I want to make my own choices, just like I’ve made my own thoughts, opinions, and morals. Would it be so bad to make it my choice whether I go to church or not?
I’ve learned a lot about parenting from you. I’ve learned what to do and some things not to do. I’ve learned what you do that works on me. Like when you tell me to do something a million times, I just get annoyed and never do it. When you tell me once, and tell me the consequences of not doing it, I eventually get to it. Now I know what to try on my kids, and what might not work. Just because you weren’t always the perfect parent doesn’t make you a bad one. Sure, I’ve had those moments where you just made me wish I could run away from home, but every child has those. We can’t always love you all the time. I’ve learned that. I’ll know that my child loves me deep down, but in every moment, they will not throw all their love into me.
I know that it’s hard to let me go. I know that it’s hard to watch me grow up before your eyes. Trust me, it’s surreal to me, too. But you have two other babies to take care of. I need you to not worry when it’s time for me to go. The Mama bird knows when her babies are ready to take flight, and when they time comes, she lets them. Let me go, Mom, no matter how hard it might be. I want you to start now. I want you to give me those responsibilities, let me make those choices, just start out slow. I want it to be easier for you, because I know it will be much harder on you than it will be on me. I know you don’t want your first baby to be an adult, but I will be.
It’s hard because I’m first, I know that’s why it’s so difficult for you to let me grow up the way I want to. It will get easier with each child. I promise it will get easier. But let’s embrace the changes that are happening. I’m going to be going on to one of the most exciting times in my life. It’s going to be a great experience. I know you’ll be worried about me, it’s a mother’s instinct, but I don’t want to have to be worried about you. It’s time, Mom, we can do this together.
love,
irish
I know it must be hard for you to realize that I’m growing up. I know you want me to be that five year old who was only pretending to be seventeen, but it’s real, Mom, I’m getting older.
Growing up is hard enough on it’s own. I need your support in all that I do because in a year I’ll be leaving, and you’re going to have to let me go. You can’t pretend that I’m a little kid anymore. Let’s face it, Mom, I’m not.
I know you want to be there to protect me from all the dangers of the world. I know you never want me to get hurt. But it’s impossible, Mom. I know you don’t want me to dye my hair because you’re afraid it will get messed up, or that I’ll hate it. But I need you to let me make my own mistakes. Let it be my choice, and if I hate it, it will be my own doing, and maybe I’ll learn to think harder before I change my hair next time. What will happen when I have a much harder decision to make than what shade to dye my hair? I won’t always have you there to say “no”, to make the choice for me, I need to learn on my own.
I know you want to do things for me. I know you want to shelter me, to help me, to be a mom. But big responsibilities are coming my way, much bigger than just doing my own laundry. I need you to let me do things one step at a time, to learn for myself, to stop being dependent on you for everything. I know it’s your job to take care of me, and you still can, in some aspects, but I’m almost an adult, it’s time to step aside and let me do things on my own.
I know it’s your job to tell me what to do. I know you’re supposed to yell at me, to nag me, and to tell me to clean my room. But, Mom, when I get to college in just one short year, will you be there to tell me to clean my room? I’m old enough to tell when my room needs a tidy, I just do things slowly, and I clean when I feel like cleaning. But it gets done, I promise. Let me take this one responsibility and not have to be told to do things. You no longer have to tell me to do my homework or to take a bath like you did when I was younger, I’m starting to learn to do things on my own time, and sometimes there are consequences, but I want to learn those on my own. I don’t need you to be there telling me what to do and when to do it. Soon enough, you won’t be there telling me, so I should know how to act for myself before the time comes.
Please trust that I can make the right decisions for myself, and not always need you there to tell me. Trust that I will do the right thing, trust that you have raised me right and believe in your heart that things you told me will carry on to the rest of my life.
I know it’s hard to imagine letting go of your first baby. I know I’m supposed to be that tiny girl you held in your arms years ago. I know I’m supposed to be at home with you watching Sesame Street and eating Popsicles. Those times were great, but now it’s time to move on. I’m not a baby anymore. I know the first child is supposed to be the innocent one, the one who has no older siblings with evil ways for me to follow. I still have innocence, Mom, but I’m older now. I want to grow up for real. I want to choose my own path and grow and learn. I don’t want to be treated like I’m five. And I wanna tell you, Mom, you got lucky with me. I know you always say that, but I just want to remind you. You’re lucky that I’m as innocent as I am. You never really told me anything but that drinking and drugs are bad. You told me horror stories but you never really went in to depth with me. You never told me that I’d be curious about drugs, you never told me I’d want to experiment, you never told me I’d have to choose not to when everyone else was. You never talked to me about sex. You never told me that it’s all boys really want, and you never talked to me about birth control or ways to do it safely. You never told me reasons not to. Luckily I grew up with a good head on my shoulders, fell into the right crowds, and set my own morals. I knew not to do the things I told myself were bad. I knew how to resist peer pressure and to not do things I didn’t want to do. I knew I wanted to save myself for someone special. But, Mom, talk to your other kids. Kids these days aren’t as innocent as your own, and you might not get as lucky with them. Please do what you never did with me, talk to them, be a friend, develop a relationship, let them know they can talk to you about anything. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, I know I was your first, I know it’s hard to talk to me, but growing up I never felt I could talk to you about things like sex and drugs, or even just boys. I kept it in my head or talked with friends. Luckily, I turned out okay, but some kids don’t do okay not feeling like they have anyone to talk to. So talk to them, Mom, I’m begging you.
Know that I have a mind of my own. Know that I can think for myself and that I’ll be okay in the real world. I know I can make it. I have examples from you and Dad, good and bad. I learn from you guys everyday, whether you know it or not. But I want you to know that I don’t necessarily believe everything you and Dad believe. I don’t always think what you guys think, even though I don’t always voice it. I’ve been able to mold myself from my own experiences, not just from what you’ve told me throughout the years. I disagree with you on a lot of points, I just want you to accept me for who I am, no matter what; that’s what a mom does. I want to make my own choices, just like I’ve made my own thoughts, opinions, and morals. Would it be so bad to make it my choice whether I go to church or not?
I’ve learned a lot about parenting from you. I’ve learned what to do and some things not to do. I’ve learned what you do that works on me. Like when you tell me to do something a million times, I just get annoyed and never do it. When you tell me once, and tell me the consequences of not doing it, I eventually get to it. Now I know what to try on my kids, and what might not work. Just because you weren’t always the perfect parent doesn’t make you a bad one. Sure, I’ve had those moments where you just made me wish I could run away from home, but every child has those. We can’t always love you all the time. I’ve learned that. I’ll know that my child loves me deep down, but in every moment, they will not throw all their love into me.
I know that it’s hard to let me go. I know that it’s hard to watch me grow up before your eyes. Trust me, it’s surreal to me, too. But you have two other babies to take care of. I need you to not worry when it’s time for me to go. The Mama bird knows when her babies are ready to take flight, and when they time comes, she lets them. Let me go, Mom, no matter how hard it might be. I want you to start now. I want you to give me those responsibilities, let me make those choices, just start out slow. I want it to be easier for you, because I know it will be much harder on you than it will be on me. I know you don’t want your first baby to be an adult, but I will be.
It’s hard because I’m first, I know that’s why it’s so difficult for you to let me grow up the way I want to. It will get easier with each child. I promise it will get easier. But let’s embrace the changes that are happening. I’m going to be going on to one of the most exciting times in my life. It’s going to be a great experience. I know you’ll be worried about me, it’s a mother’s instinct, but I don’t want to have to be worried about you. It’s time, Mom, we can do this together.
love,
irish
random entry
when you no longer want to live?
I am scarying myself way too much. It's all I seem think about. I know it isn't healthy and if I am left alone- I fear I may actually do something.
My mind like to wander when alone- so I try my best to not being alone. Sometimes though- it's impossible. Like now.
All I can do is cry. I need this to change. It's all because of him. I am worthless; a failure; a loser..
FUCK
I may be broken right now. I may not want to live. I may want to forget everything you did to me and take you back... but my heart is torn and it can't be fixed
fuck you!!!
I am scarying myself way too much. It's all I seem think about. I know it isn't healthy and if I am left alone- I fear I may actually do something.
My mind like to wander when alone- so I try my best to not being alone. Sometimes though- it's impossible. Like now.
All I can do is cry. I need this to change. It's all because of him. I am worthless; a failure; a loser..
FUCK
I may be broken right now. I may not want to live. I may want to forget everything you did to me and take you back... but my heart is torn and it can't be fixed
fuck you!!!
There is just too much going on thats causing me to be overly stressed.
All I ever do is cry. How lame is that?
I can't sit in silence. It's deadly to me. It allows my mind to wander.
Why did i let myself fall for him? So many others even warned me. But I didn't care.
I want to turn my brain off. Just for the next few days. Please. Help me get though this God. I`ll do anything or at this rate- I`ll be seeing you soon
silver bullet
I think I am in love with my best friend.
And I am scared about it.
He's been there for me.
Have you ever had a guy stay up with you all night, just so you can cry on his shoulder? Better yet, has it ever been a guy you have been close with for two years now; who knows you inside and out; who tells you he loves you and that you are one of the most amazing girls he has ever met?
He only loves me as a friend though. I know it.
My feelings have gone from friend to more than that.
I really wish I could tell him.
But it will ruin everything.
i need advice
hey guys,
i need advice.
does anyone know how to make friends? or have advice on how to? it would help sooooo much......
its just really hard to with my depression & stuff.....
seriously, ANY advice you can give me would be amazing!
and now, on a different note........
i just want to be free.
like i want to get home from school and go jump on my bed just because i feel like it. just because im that happy.
i want to have friends. the type who call you up on the weekends, who you have sleepovers with, and who you can't get enough of.
i want to live life to the fullest & have no regrets.
i'll never be seventeen again.
i already regret everything i've doe in the past five years. why cant i just be happy?
i can only live once. and i can only be young once.
i dont want to be thirty and look back on my teenage years thinking about what they could have been..
i want to look back at them and remember how great they were.
bottom line..again.. is that i just want to be happy. i feel like thats all i ever write.
but honestly, thats all i really want.
i need advice.
does anyone know how to make friends? or have advice on how to? it would help sooooo much......
its just really hard to with my depression & stuff.....
seriously, ANY advice you can give me would be amazing!
and now, on a different note........
i just want to be free.
like i want to get home from school and go jump on my bed just because i feel like it. just because im that happy.
i want to have friends. the type who call you up on the weekends, who you have sleepovers with, and who you can't get enough of.
i want to live life to the fullest & have no regrets.
i'll never be seventeen again.
i already regret everything i've doe in the past five years. why cant i just be happy?
i can only live once. and i can only be young once.
i dont want to be thirty and look back on my teenage years thinking about what they could have been..
i want to look back at them and remember how great they were.
bottom line..again.. is that i just want to be happy. i feel like thats all i ever write.
but honestly, thats all i really want.
Friday
forgiveness???!!!!
Have you ever been betrayed by someone so many times, after a while, you told yourself, "No more. I will not let this person hurt me anymore. Screw them. F*** them. I don't give a s*** about them." Well, I tried to be like that. In fact, I have always wanted to think of myself as the "tough" girl; the one who will put her foot down when she's been trampled over so many times. Wrong. I have proven myself once again to be the easily bendable and breakable person.
I don't know why but no matter how much someone can hurt me, I can't seem to stay angry at them. I cannot hold a grudge for too long. In the end almost always (mostly likely always but who really knows. My memory is just awful sometimes), I end up being the one to try and reconcile everything. Sometimes I'd wonder what it would be like if I were to just let someone bend their back for me. I guess I'll never know. I'm a pushover. I admit it. I'm a pushover. I let people get their ways a lot because I'm not mentally strong enough to just say, "F*** you," and really put my foot down on those words. I just can't.
I'm sure there are many out there who can agree with me. I've come to realize the person I've become. I'm a very forgiving and trusting person. My so called ex has dumped me three times and each time, I felt like crap as if I had been used; as though maybe he never really cared. At this point, I've learned that he probably never really meant anything he's ever told me because he's too young to understand what "love" means and that it is more than just the warm giddy feelings in the stomach; the butterflies; the constant compliments; the flirting; the romantic ideas of "I love you. Forever and Always."
MY ex is the reason I am sitting here right now writing this.
Yes, call me "weak" and an "attention whore" for making our relationship issues public to anybody who reads this. Well, whatever. I don't care anymore about what you have to think. This is now my f***ing life and I'll run it the way I've always wanted to. I'm tired of having my feelings being pulled back and forth on a string like a yo-yo. I'm human. I have a heart and it beats in case you couldn't tell. Just because I don't always come see you and constantly call you cute and plan out romantic things does not mean I never loved or cared for you. Babe, if anything, I showed you what real love actually looks like, everything without the flowers, rainbows and butterflies. I showed you that love is not about always getting what you want. Honey, I know you like romantic plans but I'm tired of being the guy in the relationship when you're the one with the penis.
I forgive you though. I told you last night that I'd be willing to let this all go and be your friend. It's okay to be selfish, to have used me like your blow-up doll. It's alright. I will still always remain the trusting and forgiving person I am, the very elements of me that you despised for fear I'd get myself hurt one day. Babe, you were one of them, if not, the only one who had actually ever betrayed my trust and forgiveness and disliked it at the same time. It's okay. You're young--17, not ripe and just as oblivious to others' feelings as I am. You say you understand that this hurts me. No, babe. No, you do not understand. You have always been the heartbreaker from your first girlfriend to your last, always the thrill-seeker and when you came to me and told me you were ready for something serious, I believed it and now here I am picking myself up again. For the third time, honey. How many times do you like to break my heart? It's not completely your fault, of course not. I am on the road to forgiving myself for making the mistake of trusting you.
One day, you will see that forgiveness and trust is valuable. Consider yourself fortunate that I am one of those few because I know one day you will be grateful that such people exist when your heart gets smashed as many times as you had broken mine.
I'm still an angry person but I will continue to always remain forgiving, trusting, and loving. That is just how I am and I know that one day, I will truly be appreciated for these qualities although caution is now key.
I don't know why but no matter how much someone can hurt me, I can't seem to stay angry at them. I cannot hold a grudge for too long. In the end almost always (mostly likely always but who really knows. My memory is just awful sometimes), I end up being the one to try and reconcile everything. Sometimes I'd wonder what it would be like if I were to just let someone bend their back for me. I guess I'll never know. I'm a pushover. I admit it. I'm a pushover. I let people get their ways a lot because I'm not mentally strong enough to just say, "F*** you," and really put my foot down on those words. I just can't.
I'm sure there are many out there who can agree with me. I've come to realize the person I've become. I'm a very forgiving and trusting person. My so called ex has dumped me three times and each time, I felt like crap as if I had been used; as though maybe he never really cared. At this point, I've learned that he probably never really meant anything he's ever told me because he's too young to understand what "love" means and that it is more than just the warm giddy feelings in the stomach; the butterflies; the constant compliments; the flirting; the romantic ideas of "I love you. Forever and Always."
MY ex is the reason I am sitting here right now writing this.
Yes, call me "weak" and an "attention whore" for making our relationship issues public to anybody who reads this. Well, whatever. I don't care anymore about what you have to think. This is now my f***ing life and I'll run it the way I've always wanted to. I'm tired of having my feelings being pulled back and forth on a string like a yo-yo. I'm human. I have a heart and it beats in case you couldn't tell. Just because I don't always come see you and constantly call you cute and plan out romantic things does not mean I never loved or cared for you. Babe, if anything, I showed you what real love actually looks like, everything without the flowers, rainbows and butterflies. I showed you that love is not about always getting what you want. Honey, I know you like romantic plans but I'm tired of being the guy in the relationship when you're the one with the penis.
I forgive you though. I told you last night that I'd be willing to let this all go and be your friend. It's okay to be selfish, to have used me like your blow-up doll. It's alright. I will still always remain the trusting and forgiving person I am, the very elements of me that you despised for fear I'd get myself hurt one day. Babe, you were one of them, if not, the only one who had actually ever betrayed my trust and forgiveness and disliked it at the same time. It's okay. You're young--17, not ripe and just as oblivious to others' feelings as I am. You say you understand that this hurts me. No, babe. No, you do not understand. You have always been the heartbreaker from your first girlfriend to your last, always the thrill-seeker and when you came to me and told me you were ready for something serious, I believed it and now here I am picking myself up again. For the third time, honey. How many times do you like to break my heart? It's not completely your fault, of course not. I am on the road to forgiving myself for making the mistake of trusting you.
One day, you will see that forgiveness and trust is valuable. Consider yourself fortunate that I am one of those few because I know one day you will be grateful that such people exist when your heart gets smashed as many times as you had broken mine.
I'm still an angry person but I will continue to always remain forgiving, trusting, and loving. That is just how I am and I know that one day, I will truly be appreciated for these qualities although caution is now key.
for the record, my heart is sore
lost and indecisive,
feeling more of the same,
teenage player,
stuck in the semi-sweet sting of lust,
getting lost in their eyes.
falling to the sweet replies,
or rather their lies.
its not simple,
rather complex,
weaving through the willing heart,
dark, deep, and cavernous.
confused and sore.
longing for theirs to call my own.
just for once.
just for a little while.
just at all.
breathing and feeling
real.
moving together
free, effortless
soft like feathers.
asking and never receiving,
slightly sad,
slightly moving on,
slightly giving up.
.....always searching secretly.
Sunday
i love this song..
:When Everything Comes Back Together:.
When It seems like things never go right in this world anymore,
Have you ever stopped to wonder if you deserved it?
When you feel at your worst,
Have you ever stopped to think if thats what you get?
When things went right,
Have you ever stopped to appreciate them?
When you got the things you wanted,
Did you stop to thank anyone?
So many people go through life,
without even taking a moment to appreciate what they have.
So many people go through life,
without having anything and yet they still appreciate what little they have.
Why is it so hard to take even the smallest moment out of our days,
and just say thank you?
Is it really that hard,
or are people so greedy that what they have is never enough?
When everything comes back together,
after everything was at its worse,
did you ever stop to give thanks for that,
I know I did.
How is it so easy that we can take,
Yet its so hard for us to give?
If it was so easy for him to give,
Why is it so hard for us.
Sometimes I wonder how we could change,
maybe if we saw from the point of view,
that some people have,
we might change the way we live.
Maybe it will be easier to give,
because you realized how some people live,
but its sad that sometimes,
this is the only way people care.
When everything comes back together,
maybe the world will realize whats going on,
maybe the world will be kinder,
maybe the world will change its ways.
Tuesday
Most annoying people on airplanes...
Sometimes I think to myself that I would rather dispense a kidney stone through my urethra than deal with some of the people who board airplanes on a daily basis in the United Kingdom.
Flying is undeniably the most convenient, yet most unpleasant forms of travel. No one gets off the hook with this list - and if you did, consider yourself lucky.
1.Southwest Line Nazi
2.The Unprepared Baggage Digger
3.The “Make Yourself At Home” -ier
Your feet smell like roses. Has anyone ever told you that? Your shit doesn’t stink either. Do you know where those airplane pillows have been? Do you think they wash those? Imagine washing your face with 100s of other people’s oily faces and oral secretions. Like 10% of people floss - now imagine those people drooling on your face. That’s basically what you’re doing when you use the airplane pillows.
4.Laptop Movie Watcher With No Headphones
7.Sick People
Flying is undeniably the most convenient, yet most unpleasant forms of travel. No one gets off the hook with this list - and if you did, consider yourself lucky.
1.Southwest Line Nazi
It’s usually that middle-aged woman with the Christmas sweater vest and shoulder pads who thinks it’s her responsibility to micromanage every last person who stands in line for a Southwest flight.
2.The Unprepared Baggage Digger
Step 1: Decide what you want with you for the duration of flight
Step 2: Remove said items from bag, place in hand or pocket
Step 3: Board flight with items in hand so you can easily place bag in overhead compartment.
3.The “Make Yourself At Home” -ier
Your feet smell like roses. Has anyone ever told you that? Your shit doesn’t stink either. Do you know where those airplane pillows have been? Do you think they wash those? Imagine washing your face with 100s of other people’s oily faces and oral secretions. Like 10% of people floss - now imagine those people drooling on your face. That’s basically what you’re doing when you use the airplane pillows.
4.Laptop Movie Watcher With No Headphones
Either A) This person forgot their headphones, or B) They have a complete disregard for the respect of others around them.
Whichever reason it may be, there is absolutely no excuse to play re-runs of Busom Buddies at maximum volume through your computer speakers.
5.End of Flight Runner
Getting off the plane 90 seconds before everyone else is at the top of your priorities. Wait like everyone else? Wait your turn to get off the plane? Nooooo. You grab your Sharper Image briefcase as soon as the “fasten your seatbelt sign” is dis-illuminated and you proceed to haul ass like a bat out of hell to the front of the plane. Don’t worry, the rest of us aren’t eager to get off the plane. This type of flier is a rare breed - but the next time I come across this guy I will not think twice about sticking my leg out and accidentally tripping him.
6.Small Bladder Window-Sitter
Y ou’re in your 30s, yet sitting in the window seat still makes you act like a nine-year-old. Google Earth - Download it. You can sit in the window seat from the comfort of your own home - you can even zoom in! There should also be a maximum number of bathroom visits for the occupant of a window seat: one. You get one free pass.7.Sick People
We should all have the self-awareness to know when to spend the day in bed. Coughing, sneezing, wheezing, high temperature - these should all be signs to leave your sick ass at home.
Your nose is flowing like the Niagara while I’m using my napkin as a makeshift Oxygen mask.
8.Full Meal Eater
You’re about to get on an airplane with 100 other people in an 800-square-foot fuselage with questionable central air and you decide it’s a great idea to enjoy a goddamn 3-course meal at 30,000 feet. Eating it in the food court just doesn’t suit you. The awful stench from your Taco Bell bean burrito permeates the cabin for the entire duration of the 2 hour flight. Never mind the guy sitting 3 inches from you - it’s your world.
9. Babies
You’re so damn needy. Grow up. You always need supervision and if things don’t go your way, you totally go ape shit. I, for one, am sick of babies getting babied.
Man up, sit down, shut up, eat your processed cauliflower in a can and let me enjoy my iPod touch and the latest Harry Potter novel.
10.The Human Sewage Plant
Kill me now. What is the deal with body odor? You’ve purchased an airline ticket, surely you can afford the following: deodorant, floss, toothpaste, soap, shampoo, breath mints, gum.
There is no shame in taking at least one shower a day and brushing your teeth after every meal. Simple hygiene should be forced upon some people to board an airplane.
Have you ever come across any of these people on your flights? What about yourself, are you guilty of being one of these annoying people?
i am lonely..
I'm not overly willing to admit to this for a couple of reasons. First, because to admit that I am lonely requires admitting to myself that whatever there was between myself and the guy I've been involved with of late is pretty much gone, and that I can no longer relate to many of my friends. Second, because it is a display of my own weakness. Third, because my self esteem is absolutely in the toilet right now, because I always thought that if I wanted to, I could change my situation and not feel this way, however, this assumption is rapidly and repeatedly being proven false, because it is very much more difficult than that.
I'm a very talkative person. Sometimes I think I drive people crazy because if you don't end the conversation, I generally won't either unless I have some very pressing important matter to attend to. I can talk for hours. And I have a lot of good stories. And it's not that I've necessarily found a lack of people to talk to. I have people to talk to, but they don't have as much in common with me as they used to, and that makes me feel lonely.
I am also a very physical person. I enjoy a good hug, a good cuddle, a good kiss. Despite that, I have never been afforded such pleasures on any sort of regular basis, up until a very recent period of time. And I had learned to deal with that. I was settled into my lifestyle, and I was fine with it. It wasn't ideal, but it was fine, it was tolerable.
Then somebody showed up and essentially showed me everything I've been missing. Going back to the complacent satisfied lifestyle I had before is no longer an option. Because I am lonely. And it's a different kind of loneliness than I had ever experienced, and I'm not really sure what you're supposed to do about it.
I think the biggest problem is, I've been changing and growing a lot recently. I am a completely different person from the person I was a year ago. But this new person who has come out of her shell and done all these things that she used to be so scared of has no place in the life I was living a year ago. Working through my issues, and becoming braver and stronger has been great for me, but yet, somehow braver, stronger me has more trouble dealing with being alone. So braver, stronger me has been trying to find people to spend her time with - intellectually, physically, whatever - and continues to get shut down. And this makes her trudge home with her tail between her legs, wallowing in her loneliness.
Have you ever felt particularly lonely after going through a lot of changes in your life? Have you ever felt like you were developing a different personality? Do you think that feeling lonely is a weakness? What do you do to stop yourself from feeling lonely.
I'm a very talkative person. Sometimes I think I drive people crazy because if you don't end the conversation, I generally won't either unless I have some very pressing important matter to attend to. I can talk for hours. And I have a lot of good stories. And it's not that I've necessarily found a lack of people to talk to. I have people to talk to, but they don't have as much in common with me as they used to, and that makes me feel lonely.
I am also a very physical person. I enjoy a good hug, a good cuddle, a good kiss. Despite that, I have never been afforded such pleasures on any sort of regular basis, up until a very recent period of time. And I had learned to deal with that. I was settled into my lifestyle, and I was fine with it. It wasn't ideal, but it was fine, it was tolerable.
Then somebody showed up and essentially showed me everything I've been missing. Going back to the complacent satisfied lifestyle I had before is no longer an option. Because I am lonely. And it's a different kind of loneliness than I had ever experienced, and I'm not really sure what you're supposed to do about it.
I think the biggest problem is, I've been changing and growing a lot recently. I am a completely different person from the person I was a year ago. But this new person who has come out of her shell and done all these things that she used to be so scared of has no place in the life I was living a year ago. Working through my issues, and becoming braver and stronger has been great for me, but yet, somehow braver, stronger me has more trouble dealing with being alone. So braver, stronger me has been trying to find people to spend her time with - intellectually, physically, whatever - and continues to get shut down. And this makes her trudge home with her tail between her legs, wallowing in her loneliness.
Have you ever felt particularly lonely after going through a lot of changes in your life? Have you ever felt like you were developing a different personality? Do you think that feeling lonely is a weakness? What do you do to stop yourself from feeling lonely.
Sunday
damn.....
I'm a confused person with to much going on and don't need any added drama so if you intend to fuck with my head or play games, leave me the hell alone. I have NO use for you or your petty fucking games. I'm an honest person and expect the same from any person who wants to have anything to do with me and my life. I don't fuck with others emotion's or head's so I expect the same. Now...I'm a laid-back go-with-the-flow person but can get pretty crazy at times. I'm very sweet and open-minded. At the same time, I'm very opinionated and will stand up for what I believe in. I'm probably one of the most open people you will ever meet so if you don’t want to know what I think don’t ask. I tell you what I think, when I think it, and if I want to know something, I will ask and I expect you to do the same for me…
Ladies, I wanna shout all this from Mountain tops!!!
1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
3. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
4. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
5 . Slower is better.
6. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
7. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
8. Don't settle.
9. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
10. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
11. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
12. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
13. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
14. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
15. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
16. You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within.
17. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.
18. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less
19. Never let a man define who you are.
20. Never borrow someone else's man.
21. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
22. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
23 . All men are NOT dogs.
24. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.
25. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage...deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
26. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
27. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
28. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
29. Never move into his mother's house.
30. Never co-sign for a man.
31. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
3. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
4. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
5 . Slower is better.
6. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
7. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
8. Don't settle.
9. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
10. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
11. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
12. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
13. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
14. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
15. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
16. You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within.
17. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.
18. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less
19. Never let a man define who you are.
20. Never borrow someone else's man.
21. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
22. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
23 . All men are NOT dogs.
24. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.
25. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage...deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
26. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
27. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
28. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
29. Never move into his mother's house.
30. Never co-sign for a man.
31. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
why do we starve??
I have been asking myself that alot lately. I have been questioning the various reasons I could have for doing this, scraping some and holding on to others.
Most of the time I don't question myself or the things that I do and the way I think. It's been nearly 6years since all the troubles started that i'm just used to myself the way I am. But that doesn't mean i'm not tired of being this way and that I don't think I can changed, or rather need to change. I do and I hope to someday.
This is what lead me down the path of 'self discovery' you could say...
I have asked my self many questions about why I self injure, why I continue to self injure and seem to be unable to completely stop and draw a line under it. I don't have many answers to them and i'm working on it.
The main question I was asking myself lately is why I am starving myself, why am I binging and purging and why does this seem normal to me.
I thought to myself about what had changed that could lead to me wanting to starve. I thought about the decision I made to stop self injuring, not just for a while, but forever. I thought about the last time I decided the same thing and as with this time, I began starving, binging and purging and loosing weight.
So that struck me as a insight and I thought more about it.
I compared the stopping now to other times that I had no self injured for a significant length of time and the difference was the fact that those times I had no actively decided to stop, the need was just not there. This time though I have decided to stop and adds considerable measure to ensuring that I don't self injure and maintaining control over the urges and not letting them get to me so that I will ultimately self injure and so not recover.
That's where the starving and such comes in.
The one thing I have when I self injure is self control. Something that is very important to me, I have to have self control, I have to have organisation and things have to be going occording to plan. As soon as I decided to stop self injuring that self control is taken away, or rather the method to gain the self control when it has been lost is taken away. I then need to replace this, or find another way to feel as though I have the control.
With the self harm I have the abilty to regain control anytime it is lost. But without it, i'm so afraid that I will lose all control that I replace the self injury with something that I am able to control all the time. And thus never losing control and not needing to self injure. Hence the starving.
The controlling of food means that at all times throughtout the day I can think to myself that I am in control. If I need more control, I can eat less or exercise more and the weight lose then becomes a sign of the control that I have. The more I lose the more I am in control. This constant control also seems to mask the urges to self injure and so when I get them they are not as prominent in my head and I am able to overcome them.
Although at times I do lose control and this is where the binging and purging comes in to play. At times when things are out of my control, I have the urge to binge and then purge, aswell as the need to self injure. These urges of binging are much easier to handle and I do not give in to them as easily as I would to an urge to self injure that was of the same magnitude.
So although I have been nearly 5weeks with out cutting, I have not been 5weeks without any self injury. Starving, binging, purging and such as all forms of self injury. I am proud that I have not self injured in the cutting or buring sense for almost 5weeks. But the onlt reason I have acheived this is because I am blocking out the urges by starving because I know that I will not be able to fight them otherwise.
I could stop starving, if I try hard enough I could stop. But then I could start self injuring again and that's not what I want. I don't want to risk letting go of this control that I have incase I cannot fight the urges to self injure on my own. I don't think I am strong enough to do that. Not right now anyway. Maybe one day.
So for now I will carry on and one day I will have the strength to deal with the self injury head on and finally be recovered....
Most of the time I don't question myself or the things that I do and the way I think. It's been nearly 6years since all the troubles started that i'm just used to myself the way I am. But that doesn't mean i'm not tired of being this way and that I don't think I can changed, or rather need to change. I do and I hope to someday.
This is what lead me down the path of 'self discovery' you could say...
I have asked my self many questions about why I self injure, why I continue to self injure and seem to be unable to completely stop and draw a line under it. I don't have many answers to them and i'm working on it.
The main question I was asking myself lately is why I am starving myself, why am I binging and purging and why does this seem normal to me.
I thought to myself about what had changed that could lead to me wanting to starve. I thought about the decision I made to stop self injuring, not just for a while, but forever. I thought about the last time I decided the same thing and as with this time, I began starving, binging and purging and loosing weight.
So that struck me as a insight and I thought more about it.
I compared the stopping now to other times that I had no self injured for a significant length of time and the difference was the fact that those times I had no actively decided to stop, the need was just not there. This time though I have decided to stop and adds considerable measure to ensuring that I don't self injure and maintaining control over the urges and not letting them get to me so that I will ultimately self injure and so not recover.
That's where the starving and such comes in.
The one thing I have when I self injure is self control. Something that is very important to me, I have to have self control, I have to have organisation and things have to be going occording to plan. As soon as I decided to stop self injuring that self control is taken away, or rather the method to gain the self control when it has been lost is taken away. I then need to replace this, or find another way to feel as though I have the control.
With the self harm I have the abilty to regain control anytime it is lost. But without it, i'm so afraid that I will lose all control that I replace the self injury with something that I am able to control all the time. And thus never losing control and not needing to self injure. Hence the starving.
The controlling of food means that at all times throughtout the day I can think to myself that I am in control. If I need more control, I can eat less or exercise more and the weight lose then becomes a sign of the control that I have. The more I lose the more I am in control. This constant control also seems to mask the urges to self injure and so when I get them they are not as prominent in my head and I am able to overcome them.
Although at times I do lose control and this is where the binging and purging comes in to play. At times when things are out of my control, I have the urge to binge and then purge, aswell as the need to self injure. These urges of binging are much easier to handle and I do not give in to them as easily as I would to an urge to self injure that was of the same magnitude.
So although I have been nearly 5weeks with out cutting, I have not been 5weeks without any self injury. Starving, binging, purging and such as all forms of self injury. I am proud that I have not self injured in the cutting or buring sense for almost 5weeks. But the onlt reason I have acheived this is because I am blocking out the urges by starving because I know that I will not be able to fight them otherwise.
I could stop starving, if I try hard enough I could stop. But then I could start self injuring again and that's not what I want. I don't want to risk letting go of this control that I have incase I cannot fight the urges to self injure on my own. I don't think I am strong enough to do that. Not right now anyway. Maybe one day.
So for now I will carry on and one day I will have the strength to deal with the self injury head on and finally be recovered....
broke?? you are not broke.. you big daddy, quit your bloodclot cryin!!!
I am SO sick of hearing twenty-somethings complain about how broke they are.
You young ass, fiscally irresponsible so-and-so's are making me mad.
I know lots of people like you.
You want people to think you’re hard up for cash, hurting for money, you’ve got short pockets, assets in the negative, broke as a joke.
You cry about how broke you are to anyone who will listen and then you turn around and buy something ridiculously expensive that you didn't even need.
You’re not broke – you just want everyone to think you are.
You young ass, fiscally irresponsible so-and-so's are making me mad.
I know lots of people like you.
You want people to think you’re hard up for cash, hurting for money, you’ve got short pockets, assets in the negative, broke as a joke.
You cry about how broke you are to anyone who will listen and then you turn around and buy something ridiculously expensive that you didn't even need.
You’re not broke – you just want everyone to think you are.
Monday
friendship?????
Does friendship mean the same to you, when some friends
disappear from your own eyes without a word or reason.
Do people I call my friends, appreciate my friendship at all?
My boyfriend has said this to me numerous times;
something along the lines of, "you care about them and
appreciate them as friends, but have they ever treated you as a friend?"
These words always run through my mind, when I think of friends;
but on the other hand it gives me a perspective of friendship.
But truly, what is the one point that keeps a friendship going
disappear from your own eyes without a word or reason.
Do people I call my friends, appreciate my friendship at all?
My boyfriend has said this to me numerous times;
something along the lines of, "you care about them and
appreciate them as friends, but have they ever treated you as a friend?"
These words always run through my mind, when I think of friends;
but on the other hand it gives me a perspective of friendship.
But truly, what is the one point that keeps a friendship going
on being discovered
i have known for quite sometime that some of my friends read this blog. it is not something that bothers me really. they do not have accounts, so they can not comment. but sometimes they will send emails or call or whatever to let me know what they think about a certain post. (from here on out, friends, do not be offended and take this as me not wanting you to continue to read. that is not the point of this post!)
there was a post a few days ago that was very personal and took me forever to write. (it has since been 'protected'). i wanted the words out there. i wanted to get it off my chest. i wanted to explain myself. i received overwhelming amounts of support and love from it (thank you guys) that i will be forever grateful for.
someone recently asked me why i took that post down. i didn't take it down because friends was reading it. i didn't take it down because i started feeling ashamed. i took it down because after a few people read it and understood, i didn't feel that anyone else needed to see it. i'm through with it right now and the people that needed to see it, saw it. does that even make sense?
there was a post a few days ago that was very personal and took me forever to write. (it has since been 'protected'). i wanted the words out there. i wanted to get it off my chest. i wanted to explain myself. i received overwhelming amounts of support and love from it (thank you guys) that i will be forever grateful for.
someone recently asked me why i took that post down. i didn't take it down because friends was reading it. i didn't take it down because i started feeling ashamed. i took it down because after a few people read it and understood, i didn't feel that anyone else needed to see it. i'm through with it right now and the people that needed to see it, saw it. does that even make sense?
need some help..
okay. so i've been trying to find the perfect wireless mouse/presenter to use in my room this is the one i want:
it is an iogear phaser mouse. you hold it like a gun (there's a trigger on the underneath side that you can't see in this pic) and operate the track ball on the top with your thumb. you can click the trigger on the underneath side to select, just like a left mouse click. the buttons on the top work the same as any mouse: left click and right click. the button in the middle is a laser pointer. so it's really a mouse and a presenter all in one.
here's the problem. they don't make this mouse anymore, from what i can tell. it is not listed anywhere in their online catalog. i had one in my old room (different house) and loved it. but now i can't get one for this room. i'm looking for not just one of those power point presenters, but a mouse as well.
do you all know of a similar product? on that is a presenter AND a mouse that will control the entire computer.
i would really appreciate it! my mum finally gives me money to get what i need and i can't find the mouse i want. perfect!
Sunday
Does Fighting Really Make Your Relationship Stronger?
Everyone says that when you overcome your obstacles, it makes you stronger. But does that kind of statement apply to relationships?
I once heard that if a couple cannot handle the hard times together, then they will not succeed. I guess it's the thought of being there for each other and taking care of each other. It's like you're both going through it together instead of dealing with it separately. Do the obstacles you go through as a couple, like fights and drama, make you both stronger and the relationship more durable?
My boyfriend and I are a happy couple. We do have a few fights, but they're meaningless and very tiny compared to our other friends' fights. Because we don't fight a lot - practically not at all - does that mean our relationship is strong, or do we HAVE to go through these "tests/obstacles" to make us stronger?
I'm not saying that we should start fights with each other or anything. It was just a random realization that I had. Should I even worry that we don't fight at all?
Some people want drama in their relationship or are drama seekers to make their dull relationship more exciting...but I would like to stay away from those issues so we can have a normal and happy relationship. We both hate fighting and getting angry with each other, so we both are cautious and try not to let things get to us. And it's working so far.
I once heard that if a couple cannot handle the hard times together, then they will not succeed. I guess it's the thought of being there for each other and taking care of each other. It's like you're both going through it together instead of dealing with it separately. Do the obstacles you go through as a couple, like fights and drama, make you both stronger and the relationship more durable?
My boyfriend and I are a happy couple. We do have a few fights, but they're meaningless and very tiny compared to our other friends' fights. Because we don't fight a lot - practically not at all - does that mean our relationship is strong, or do we HAVE to go through these "tests/obstacles" to make us stronger?
I'm not saying that we should start fights with each other or anything. It was just a random realization that I had. Should I even worry that we don't fight at all?
Some people want drama in their relationship or are drama seekers to make their dull relationship more exciting...but I would like to stay away from those issues so we can have a normal and happy relationship. We both hate fighting and getting angry with each other, so we both are cautious and try not to let things get to us. And it's working so far.
How Text Messaging Ruins Relationships
The title is pretty self-explanatory, therefore eliminating the need for an introduction, so I'll just dive right in!
1) No face time
I don't know about you guys, but I text with people I hardly ever talk to in "real life" as I'll call it. When I say "real life" I am including on the phone. Why? Because then you can hear expressions, tones, laughs, tears. It's just more personal, making it possible to actually carry on a relationship with someone. Clacking away on an impossibly small keypad as your main means of communication with your SO? Yeah, not exactly a bonding experience.
2) I can't hear you!
Sarcasm, anger, sadness, sincerity, etc. are all impossible to distinguish within a text. This has spawned many a confusing conversation, if not an argument, between me and my BF. He thought I was mad; I was being sarcastic. I thought he was kidding; turns out he was serious. You get the idea.
3) Tick tock, tick tock
Again, I don't know about you guys, but I get so frustrated waiting for texts. I sent it to you 10 minutes ago and you still have not replied! I have been waiting! Are you ignoring me? Are you busy? If you were going to be busy, why didn't you tell me instead of making me sit here for 15 minutes waiting for you to answer my question!? By the time your SO does finally respond to your text, you're in an exceedingly foul mood from having to wait so long, which will likely put the conversation into a downward spiral.
4) 160 characters
There is no possible way most messages can be summarized in the small number of words SMS messages allow, therefore forcing you to send multiple texts, a frustrating endeavor in itself. Add in the fact that your SO may interrupt your flow of messages, ask a question, or some other nuisance that requires you to type yet another messages to explain your previous ones. You are gonna get carpal tunnel and all because of that dimwitted little... Well, you get my point.
5) What?
There is absolutely nothing more frustrating to me than having there be so much time between text messages that, when you respond, I have absolutely no idea what your response means because I cannot remember what I sent. Either I will have to flip through my "Sent" folder to find it or I will have to ask you and then you will get frustrated, causing me to get frustrated and then YELLING ENSUES! Or rather, CAPSLOCK ENSUES!
6) Tech-Not-So-Savvy
Too many tales have been told about people finding things on their SOs' phones that they consider incriminating. Whatever you find, you are likely to assume the worst and blow it out of proportion before actually talking to your SO. If there was no texting, none of this would have happened and you could have gone back to good ol' computer-snooping.
7) "we need 2 tlk"
While I have never experienced this (and, god willing, never will), I know too many people that have received the infamous text message breakup. This is so cold, so low, that it should be perfectly legal for you to go over and key their car, shave their dog, whatever! At least call, seriously!
Reasons why it sucks to be a woman!!!!!
Never trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and won't die."
-South Park
I hate that "monthly visit from Aunt Flo." Want to know what I hate even more, beyond words and with a passion, during this time? MEN. It's like the first sign of PMS and first sign of slight cramps and it's like "OHP! YOU HAVE A PENIS, YOU NEED TO DIE!" because you will NEVER know what kind of hell this is. Ever. You lucky bastard.
But joke's on you! You have to put up with half the population going crazy at some point of the month!
Here's a couple of reasons why I hate being a woman with an "Aunt Flo":
1. My emotions go bonkers, and I seriously can't help it.
I want to cry over nothing, get angry over nothing and feel extremely irritated 24/7 for 7-14 days. Everything is taken personally. EX:" You didn't kiss me right when you saw me? You must not love me. You're just using me." I get extremely irrational and everything upsets me. In short, I turn into a psycho bitch.
You think you can't handle being around me while I'm on my rag, how do you think I feel having to be in my own head like this?!
2. I hate men. End of story.
During my agonizing bleeding, I automatically hate men. Again, I can't help it, I DO NOT want to be anywhere near a man and my want/need of being around women goes up dramatically. I guess because women would understand my irrationality, pain and what I'm going through where a man would not. Men will NEVER know. You will never understand the pain of having to go through this every month, let alone go through other womanly functions such as giving birth. I hope all men get kidney stones at some point in their life, as this is the only thing that could be compared to/be worse than child birth.
3. It fucking hurts.
I can't speak for all women, but for the most part, being on your period hurts like hell. Especially for me, as there is a very good chance that I have endometriosis. Cramps for me get so sever that doctors will willingly give me hospital orders for morphine, I can't lift my head without throwing up and I have terrible radiating pain (everything from my stomach to my lower back and kidneys hurt. It feels like someone just focused in on kicking me with steel toed boots for 15 minutes in that area).
4. Cravings
...are ridiculous. I know I get horrible cravings and it's usually for protein and sugar. So... while Aunt Flo is in town, my diet consists of steak (or any meat substance), fish and waffles. Usually eaten at the same time. Together. Or peanutbutter and Oreos with a deli sandwich on sourdough bread. Or tomato soup mixed with garlic mashed potatoes and waffles with some cranberry juice mixed with 7Up. I know that sometimes they get so bad that I can't go to sleep at night, I HAVE to have what I'm craving.
5. You eat like a pig.
This ties in with number 4. The food network no longer becomes a channel that you just flip past on TV or for learning how to cook something new... it becomes porn. You want to eat anything and everything. You crave food like a crazy pregnant woman and you want your food now. You don't believe in sharing [maybe you didn't in the first place, but hey I'm just saying...], you act like a total fatass and get angry when someone takes any of your food or eats the last of whatever you had your eye on. You get upset at parties for waiting so long for the cake, only to find out it tastes like shit. You. Want. Food. Now.
6. You retain enough water to be considered a second species of camel.
I drink a butt load of water and on a regular basis. I drink passively. If there's a bottle of water (which there always is) I'll just drink it until all of a sudden there's about 6 water bottles on my desk in a matter of a few hours. So when I'm on my period, this causes problems. I'll drink about 5-8 bottles of water (guesstimating on average) on a given day and only pee like 2 times the WHOLE day. I don't even think it would even qualify as "taking a piss" so much as "tinkling" I pee so little.
7. Your self esteem goes through the floor.
This pretty much encompasses everything stated above. You get irrational, emotional, act and eat like a fatass and gain about 10 lbs. in water weight. Do I really need to explain why our self esteem smashes through the floor?? None of our clothes fit, everything feels too tight, you perceive yourself a lot differently on your period and it's usually negatively, so you definitely feel like you're fat and you think you look even fatter and it doesn't help that while you're thinking that while looking in the mirror all you can do is think about having a brownie sundae and go to sleep afterwords.
-South Park
I hate that "monthly visit from Aunt Flo." Want to know what I hate even more, beyond words and with a passion, during this time? MEN. It's like the first sign of PMS and first sign of slight cramps and it's like "OHP! YOU HAVE A PENIS, YOU NEED TO DIE!" because you will NEVER know what kind of hell this is. Ever. You lucky bastard.
But joke's on you! You have to put up with half the population going crazy at some point of the month!
Here's a couple of reasons why I hate being a woman with an "Aunt Flo":
1. My emotions go bonkers, and I seriously can't help it.
I want to cry over nothing, get angry over nothing and feel extremely irritated 24/7 for 7-14 days. Everything is taken personally. EX:" You didn't kiss me right when you saw me? You must not love me. You're just using me." I get extremely irrational and everything upsets me. In short, I turn into a psycho bitch.
2. I hate men. End of story.
During my agonizing bleeding, I automatically hate men. Again, I can't help it, I DO NOT want to be anywhere near a man and my want/need of being around women goes up dramatically. I guess because women would understand my irrationality, pain and what I'm going through where a man would not. Men will NEVER know. You will never understand the pain of having to go through this every month, let alone go through other womanly functions such as giving birth. I hope all men get kidney stones at some point in their life, as this is the only thing that could be compared to/be worse than child birth.
3. It fucking hurts.
I can't speak for all women, but for the most part, being on your period hurts like hell. Especially for me, as there is a very good chance that I have endometriosis. Cramps for me get so sever that doctors will willingly give me hospital orders for morphine, I can't lift my head without throwing up and I have terrible radiating pain (everything from my stomach to my lower back and kidneys hurt. It feels like someone just focused in on kicking me with steel toed boots for 15 minutes in that area).
4. Cravings
...are ridiculous. I know I get horrible cravings and it's usually for protein and sugar. So... while Aunt Flo is in town, my diet consists of steak (or any meat substance), fish and waffles. Usually eaten at the same time. Together. Or peanutbutter and Oreos with a deli sandwich on sourdough bread. Or tomato soup mixed with garlic mashed potatoes and waffles with some cranberry juice mixed with 7Up. I know that sometimes they get so bad that I can't go to sleep at night, I HAVE to have what I'm craving.
5. You eat like a pig.
This ties in with number 4. The food network no longer becomes a channel that you just flip past on TV or for learning how to cook something new... it becomes porn. You want to eat anything and everything. You crave food like a crazy pregnant woman and you want your food now. You don't believe in sharing [maybe you didn't in the first place, but hey I'm just saying...], you act like a total fatass and get angry when someone takes any of your food or eats the last of whatever you had your eye on. You get upset at parties for waiting so long for the cake, only to find out it tastes like shit. You. Want. Food. Now.
6. You retain enough water to be considered a second species of camel.
I drink a butt load of water and on a regular basis. I drink passively. If there's a bottle of water (which there always is) I'll just drink it until all of a sudden there's about 6 water bottles on my desk in a matter of a few hours. So when I'm on my period, this causes problems. I'll drink about 5-8 bottles of water (guesstimating on average) on a given day and only pee like 2 times the WHOLE day. I don't even think it would even qualify as "taking a piss" so much as "tinkling" I pee so little.
7. Your self esteem goes through the floor.
This pretty much encompasses everything stated above. You get irrational, emotional, act and eat like a fatass and gain about 10 lbs. in water weight. Do I really need to explain why our self esteem smashes through the floor?? None of our clothes fit, everything feels too tight, you perceive yourself a lot differently on your period and it's usually negatively, so you definitely feel like you're fat and you think you look even fatter and it doesn't help that while you're thinking that while looking in the mirror all you can do is think about having a brownie sundae and go to sleep afterwords.
Seriously ridiculous.
"Ridiculous" just happens to be my word for general I-don't-know-what-to-call-this-kind-of-behavior-but-it's-not-right. And by "not right," I mean "beyond wrong." Ridiculous: when seriously wrong just doesn't say it all. Whenever you feel yourself in some surreal, Twilight Zone moment, where you don't know how to explain the madness around you (and you're not intoxicated), just call it ridiculous. No need for a thesaurus; I just gave you the word. And I really do mean surreal... like when you first wake up after a long night of caffeine, PS2, and overall bad judgment, and you don't really know what's happening... maybe you're still in a dream... maybe you're up like it's a school day, but it's really Saturday... is my paper due TODAY, or next week... why am I talking to myself... and then you're sitting there microsleeping 15 minutes at a time unable to remember the last thought you had. It's like that. Some of you know what I mean. Some of your DRIVE this way.
Ridiculous
Strange; is the term that comes shortly before ridiculous. They're strange when you meet then; ridiculous when you figure out that that's just HOW they are. Think all of the weird kids from high school or college, and then imagine that you're surrounded by them five days a week. Yeah, welcome to my world, except the weird kids I knew were kind of smart or nice, but still missing something normal. I'm talking about WEIRD weird... kind of like that kid in high school who thought South Africa was a region in Africa, and not a country. ....lol
Example? Ok. The guy next to me is a real piece of work. He thinks he's a player, but he's not. Not even a bad one.. he's just not. He's the absence of player. It's like in chemistry... there's freezing and then there's absolute zero. He's absolute zero. No playerness at all. That's not a bad thing, really, but it's bad to try so hard and be less really bad. I hear him on the phone (at work) talking to whomever he manages to pick up at places I don't want to go... and his game is really bad. Bad game... like when you're the first one to go bankrupt in Monopoly. Don't be that person, because he already is. And he says vulgar things that are kind of funny, except that he really means them, and says them all the time. At first, you'd think "Haha, look at this guy. Is he serious?" [Kind of like women who laugh at some guy being dumb and he thinks you think he's cute. Happens all the time. Stop it]. And there I am on the other side of the room, like "Oh yeaaaaah. He's serious... like a final exam essay question worth 65% of your whole course grade..
People like that are disturbing. Disturbing like when you're drinking from a public fountain outside of a restroom, and you hear a toilet flush, and the water pressure goes down... and then returns to normal... and you think to yourself "I wonder if that's coming through here?"
I'm just telling the truth, though. I think that would be my ideal campaign slogan. People will say "well, I don't like his stances on the two issues that matter to me, but... man, he keeps it real." But, knowing me, I'd change it up in '09, like "hey, keeping it real was SO '08. This is '09, brothaaaaaa." Something like that.. lol
There's nothing good to say about a work environment where I'M the normal one. Believe it."peace"
Ridiculous
Strange; is the term that comes shortly before ridiculous. They're strange when you meet then; ridiculous when you figure out that that's just HOW they are. Think all of the weird kids from high school or college, and then imagine that you're surrounded by them five days a week. Yeah, welcome to my world, except the weird kids I knew were kind of smart or nice, but still missing something normal. I'm talking about WEIRD weird... kind of like that kid in high school who thought South Africa was a region in Africa, and not a country. ....lol
Example? Ok. The guy next to me is a real piece of work. He thinks he's a player, but he's not. Not even a bad one.. he's just not. He's the absence of player. It's like in chemistry... there's freezing and then there's absolute zero. He's absolute zero. No playerness at all. That's not a bad thing, really, but it's bad to try so hard and be less really bad. I hear him on the phone (at work) talking to whomever he manages to pick up at places I don't want to go... and his game is really bad. Bad game... like when you're the first one to go bankrupt in Monopoly. Don't be that person, because he already is. And he says vulgar things that are kind of funny, except that he really means them, and says them all the time. At first, you'd think "Haha, look at this guy. Is he serious?" [Kind of like women who laugh at some guy being dumb and he thinks you think he's cute. Happens all the time. Stop it]. And there I am on the other side of the room, like "Oh yeaaaaah. He's serious... like a final exam essay question worth 65% of your whole course grade..
I'm just telling the truth, though. I think that would be my ideal campaign slogan. People will say "well, I don't like his stances on the two issues that matter to me, but... man, he keeps it real." But, knowing me, I'd change it up in '09, like "hey, keeping it real was SO '08. This is '09, brothaaaaaa." Something like that.. lol
There's nothing good to say about a work environment where I'M the normal one. Believe it."peace"
It's time to start overcoming fears, and becoming fearless.
Let's pretend that I'm writing a motivational self-help book. Somewhere in the Preface or Introduction (that no one would read), I'd have some witty saying, like... "Power is fear under control." I don't know if that makes any sense, because I just now made that up, but you get it. And then there'd be some line about me helping you finally get your life together to achieve your wildest dreams and riches you thought were impossible.
It's not a self-help book, unless it claims to help you achieve the impossible. Remember that.
But, seriously, I really need to overcome my fears.
So, I'm taking myself to a movie. I am. I'm my own date, and I'm paying. I may even buy myself lunch at a nice eatery. I'll say "So, where do you want to go eat?" And I'll answer, "Oh, I dunno. You know me, I'll eat anything. You've been to all of my favorite places. You pick." And then I'll say, "Yeah, me too. I was there. I don't care. It's whatever you want."
Honestly, I've only seen one movie in the theater by myself. I saw Terminator III SNEAK PREVIEW the day before it came out. Yeah, I said it. You're saying "Seriously?" I'm saying "Yeah, seriously. Shut up." And I saw it just because I really wanted to. That was it. I FELT like it, so I did it. That, and I said to myself that it was an exception to the usual rule that only people with no friends see movies alone. I know, now, that's not true, namely because I'm about to do it, and I have friends, except they've already seen the movie I want to see, and I have no other friends who have yet to see who can see it with me, today. I suppose I'm most afraid of being like people I don't want to be like... and I'm the girl at the movies, alone. Someone may look at me and think I'm a loser who couldn't even find someone off the street to the coolest movie of the year. That's the fear, I think. However, there's nothing wrong with being at the movies, alone (unless you're anti-social, because that's just weird), and I'm about to prove it. Man, I may like it so much I won't even ask other people to go to movies with me....
Just kidding. Maybe. But seriously.
And I need the alone time. I need to change many things about myself, and I've been confronted with that, lately, in the scariest, yet most refreshing way. I know I have a lot to lose if I don't, but I also know that what I have to gain by doing it far outweighs the cost of struggling with it, at first. I don't know how to explain it, but perhaps you know how it is. Afraid of something? Take action. Thinking about it and hoping for the best is NOT action, though. That's the other thing I learned, recently. I have many actions to take in the near future, and I will take them all, like free food samples at Wal-mart (can't have just one!).
It's not a self-help book, unless it claims to help you achieve the impossible. Remember that.
But, seriously, I really need to overcome my fears.
So, I'm taking myself to a movie. I am. I'm my own date, and I'm paying. I may even buy myself lunch at a nice eatery. I'll say "So, where do you want to go eat?" And I'll answer, "Oh, I dunno. You know me, I'll eat anything. You've been to all of my favorite places. You pick." And then I'll say, "Yeah, me too. I was there. I don't care. It's whatever you want."
Honestly, I've only seen one movie in the theater by myself. I saw Terminator III SNEAK PREVIEW the day before it came out. Yeah, I said it. You're saying "Seriously?" I'm saying "Yeah, seriously. Shut up." And I saw it just because I really wanted to. That was it. I FELT like it, so I did it. That, and I said to myself that it was an exception to the usual rule that only people with no friends see movies alone. I know, now, that's not true, namely because I'm about to do it, and I have friends, except they've already seen the movie I want to see, and I have no other friends who have yet to see who can see it with me, today. I suppose I'm most afraid of being like people I don't want to be like... and I'm the girl at the movies, alone. Someone may look at me and think I'm a loser who couldn't even find someone off the street to the coolest movie of the year. That's the fear, I think. However, there's nothing wrong with being at the movies, alone (unless you're anti-social, because that's just weird), and I'm about to prove it. Man, I may like it so much I won't even ask other people to go to movies with me....
Just kidding. Maybe. But seriously.
And I need the alone time. I need to change many things about myself, and I've been confronted with that, lately, in the scariest, yet most refreshing way. I know I have a lot to lose if I don't, but I also know that what I have to gain by doing it far outweighs the cost of struggling with it, at first. I don't know how to explain it, but perhaps you know how it is. Afraid of something? Take action. Thinking about it and hoping for the best is NOT action, though. That's the other thing I learned, recently. I have many actions to take in the near future, and I will take them all, like free food samples at Wal-mart (can't have just one!).
TRUE Things About Me...
I'm already an open-book - open book, like a criminal law exam - but since several of you are new, here, you may be curious to know the following:
I won't watch a movie at the theater, unless it is highly-recommended by someone whose opinion I trust.
If you saw a movie that you really think I should see, here is how not to encourage me to see it: "Hey, I just saw such-and-such movie with so-and-so, and it was awesome! You should see it." Wrong, won't. The correct endorsement looks something like this: "Hey, I just saw such-and-such movie with so-and-so, and you'd really like it." If I have to choose between eating at Chipotle, or seeing a movie, you had better be sure it's a really good movie. Hancock, or black beans and extra sour cream? C'mon, now.
I could probably eat pizza everyday for a month, at least.
I said it when I was 10, and it still is true. I wasn't joking in P.E. class! Who's laughing now, Mrs. Weygandt?! I win.
I am NOT a morning person, at.all.
If the sun isn't up, neither am I. When it is on its way up, I tell it to go back down. When it goes down, I'm wide awake. A night owl, if you will. I don't know about stores, restaurants, and offices, but my hours of business are 9am
-2am. Well, ideally.
My favorite movies are as follows, arranged by category:
Action: Terminator II: Judgment Day
Comedy: Tommy Boy
Mystery: The Usual Suspects
Thriller: Silence of the Lambs
Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
Romantic Comedy: Ha, sike.
I'm not a grammar snob, I just really like grammar, a lot.
I like English, but not literature. That is for sure. But spelling, sentence diagramming, punctuation... mmmmm. I used to be normal, but then, in 8th grade, I reviewed my old report cards and saw that I always did really well in English. I tend to like the things I think I do well, so there you go. I read Elements of Style as a bedtime story.
I am more afraid of spiders and clowns than failure.
And that's probably because I've actually failed at things. Several things. So it's not the end of the world; however, I've never been harmed by a spider, nor have I had my soul stolen by some smiling, red-nosed monster in ridiculously big shoes. Hence, the fear. It's legit, so say what you want.
Whatever you think of my personality from reading my blogs is probably try, but I'm really shy in person.
I think I am, anyway, except to people I know, then I talk all the time, like a child with a Christmas wish list.
I have no desire to know personally the celebrities I admire.
I'd probably find out that they're regular people who just happen to be famous and talented, or they're jerks who I'd hate if I really knew them. I don't want to spoil my fun.
I won't watch a movie at the theater, unless it is highly-recommended by someone whose opinion I trust.
If you saw a movie that you really think I should see, here is how not to encourage me to see it: "Hey, I just saw such-and-such movie with so-and-so, and it was awesome! You should see it." Wrong, won't. The correct endorsement looks something like this: "Hey, I just saw such-and-such movie with so-and-so, and you'd really like it." If I have to choose between eating at Chipotle, or seeing a movie, you had better be sure it's a really good movie. Hancock, or black beans and extra sour cream? C'mon, now.
I could probably eat pizza everyday for a month, at least.
I said it when I was 10, and it still is true. I wasn't joking in P.E. class! Who's laughing now, Mrs. Weygandt?! I win.
I am NOT a morning person, at.all.
If the sun isn't up, neither am I. When it is on its way up, I tell it to go back down. When it goes down, I'm wide awake. A night owl, if you will. I don't know about stores, restaurants, and offices, but my hours of business are 9am
-2am. Well, ideally.
My favorite movies are as follows, arranged by category:
Action: Terminator II: Judgment Day
Comedy: Tommy Boy
Mystery: The Usual Suspects
Thriller: Silence of the Lambs
Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
Romantic Comedy: Ha, sike.
I'm not a grammar snob, I just really like grammar, a lot.
I like English, but not literature. That is for sure. But spelling, sentence diagramming, punctuation... mmmmm. I used to be normal, but then, in 8th grade, I reviewed my old report cards and saw that I always did really well in English. I tend to like the things I think I do well, so there you go. I read Elements of Style as a bedtime story.
I am more afraid of spiders and clowns than failure.
And that's probably because I've actually failed at things. Several things. So it's not the end of the world; however, I've never been harmed by a spider, nor have I had my soul stolen by some smiling, red-nosed monster in ridiculously big shoes. Hence, the fear. It's legit, so say what you want.
Whatever you think of my personality from reading my blogs is probably try, but I'm really shy in person.
I think I am, anyway, except to people I know, then I talk all the time, like a child with a Christmas wish list.
I have no desire to know personally the celebrities I admire.
I'd probably find out that they're regular people who just happen to be famous and talented, or they're jerks who I'd hate if I really knew them. I don't want to spoil my fun.
What makes a good blog???
The good bloggers I read, daily, have at least one thing in common: the ability to blog on a wide range of topics, AND still maintain their own voices. Anyone can write anything, but would you know whose writing it was just from the writing style? Hm?
That's important... to me. After a while, I feel like I could read an anonymous, untitled entry, and still think "Hmm... this reads like [insert blogger]. These are things s/he would say." Perhaps it's the blog equivalent of knowing a person so well, you can almost think for them, or here a story about and know, "Oh, man... this is about That Guy, isn't it? Isn't it?! Tell!"
That's how I get, anyway. I'm excitable.
In my view, that would be the highest praise I could offer or receive; to say "I knew that was you," just because the voice and tone are distinct, and anyone paying attention to what I say knows that's how I stay things.
Yeah, I'll reword that, later.
What I mean is, So, That is to say In other words, it's not the muse that matters. Anyone can write about anything. Write about a car nearly hitting you while you crossed the street in a school zone; or the Christmas presents you want to be sure you don't receive this year; or, tell the truth, you don't really have a life beyond your blog. C'mon, you know it's true about someone... and "someone" does not mean me, so don't even start.
I've tried, many times, to force myself to think of things to write just because I felt like it was "that time," or I just wasn't inspired, or, "Oh no, this is a high-traffic time of day. Do it NOWWW," as if something magical must happen before the mood strikes me to share something. That's probably the source of the oft-encountered "BLOG Hiatus." A momentus event, when you're favorite writer shuts down for a while, and it's like "Ohhh, noooooes! Top blogs won't be the saaaaaame!"
Please... you must calm that down. Immediately. I can't read that (except here).
Anyway, there's no sense in forcing the issue trying to coming up with something clever, or resorting to the trendy BLOG topic of the day/month/week/election year. I suppose it's a good default, if you just have to say something to the adoring fans who eat at their desks during lunch time, or forgo happy hour with the boss just to read your latest update; but let's be honest, and agree that versatility, like satire, is nearly a lost art. Anything can be made clever, humorous, serious, or satirical, if you do it write right.
And that is why it's the writer's voice that is more important than subject matter, honestly. Anyone write about what happened, today; over the weekend; the epic fail of an online relationship; or your retaliation blog to a comment someone took way too seriously. I know. I've seen these. Some are whack, others are tremendously intriguing
Why? Because the writer told a good story and made what could be mundane, or seemingly-uninteresting something fun to read, or at least similar to something I've experienced, and injected several instances of "this is how this story goes when I write it." Or... it just sounds funny (since I've never had an epic fail of an online relationship). Anything can be your muse, because, let's face, it's not like the weirdness in my life is something I could make up. My muse is just whatever comes to mind when I sit down, and think "Uh..." and some form of ridiculousness comes out, and some of you like it, or at least pity-comment me. It's ok. I won't tell, nor do I cry into my huge pillow, every night, like "Why won't they recommend meeeeee?!"
That's why I say the subject matter doesn't have to be awesome. Look at the things I write.
Actually, don't. Please don't.
-----AYHIE
That's important... to me. After a while, I feel like I could read an anonymous, untitled entry, and still think "Hmm... this reads like [insert blogger]. These are things s/he would say." Perhaps it's the blog equivalent of knowing a person so well, you can almost think for them, or here a story about and know, "Oh, man... this is about That Guy, isn't it? Isn't it?! Tell!"
That's how I get, anyway. I'm excitable.
In my view, that would be the highest praise I could offer or receive; to say "I knew that was you," just because the voice and tone are distinct, and anyone paying attention to what I say knows that's how I stay things.
Yeah, I'll reword that, later.
What I mean is, So, That is to say In other words, it's not the muse that matters. Anyone can write about anything. Write about a car nearly hitting you while you crossed the street in a school zone; or the Christmas presents you want to be sure you don't receive this year; or, tell the truth, you don't really have a life beyond your blog. C'mon, you know it's true about someone... and "someone" does not mean me, so don't even start.
I've tried, many times, to force myself to think of things to write just because I felt like it was "that time," or I just wasn't inspired, or, "Oh no, this is a high-traffic time of day. Do it NOWWW," as if something magical must happen before the mood strikes me to share something. That's probably the source of the oft-encountered "BLOG Hiatus." A momentus event, when you're favorite writer shuts down for a while, and it's like "Ohhh, noooooes! Top blogs won't be the saaaaaame!"
Please... you must calm that down. Immediately. I can't read that (except here).
Anyway, there's no sense in forcing the issue trying to coming up with something clever, or resorting to the trendy BLOG topic of the day/month/week/election year. I suppose it's a good default, if you just have to say something to the adoring fans who eat at their desks during lunch time, or forgo happy hour with the boss just to read your latest update; but let's be honest, and agree that versatility, like satire, is nearly a lost art. Anything can be made clever, humorous, serious, or satirical, if you do it write right.
And that is why it's the writer's voice that is more important than subject matter, honestly. Anyone write about what happened, today; over the weekend; the epic fail of an online relationship; or your retaliation blog to a comment someone took way too seriously. I know. I've seen these. Some are whack, others are tremendously intriguing
Why? Because the writer told a good story and made what could be mundane, or seemingly-uninteresting something fun to read, or at least similar to something I've experienced, and injected several instances of "this is how this story goes when I write it." Or... it just sounds funny (since I've never had an epic fail of an online relationship). Anything can be your muse, because, let's face, it's not like the weirdness in my life is something I could make up. My muse is just whatever comes to mind when I sit down, and think "Uh..." and some form of ridiculousness comes out, and some of you like it, or at least pity-comment me. It's ok. I won't tell, nor do I cry into my huge pillow, every night, like "Why won't they recommend meeeeee?!"
That's why I say the subject matter doesn't have to be awesome. Look at the things I write.
Actually, don't. Please don't.
-----AYHIE
Why Do Girls Love Edward Cullen from Twilight So Much? no offense meant.... hmmmm
Why does Bella like a vampire so much... and why are women so attracted to him? Whatever his secret is, it must be pretty amazing stuff, because there are some pretty serious problems with dating a vampire.
Here are the top three concerns I would have if Edward Cullen was dating girls..
1) He's a pedophile.
Edward was born in 1901. I looked it up, and Twilight was published in 2005. So Edward is 104 years old.
Does it bother anyone else that a 104 year old guy is dating a 17 year old girl?! I mean, I know he looks 17 forever...but still, come on. He's over 100!
I'm trying to imagine if my friend came home one day and said, "Hey , I'd like you to meet my boyfriend..." Actually, if he's 104 and she's 17, I'd have the world's easiest case of statutory rape. I know it's legal to have sex with 16 year olds in some states, but what if the guy is 104?! I think I could win a jury trial.
I've heard that girls like older guys, but this is ridiculous.
2) He's a murderer.
Edward has admitted to killing people back when he was first a vampire. Of course, they were "bad people"... so it's okay.
Umm...no. I watch Dexter, this show on Showtime about a serial killer who only kills other serial killers. It's a lot of fun, but I don't think two wrongs make a right. What if Dexter and Edward are wrong about the people they kill?
Okay, I know Edward can read minds... but still. I have a pretty filthy mind... if Edward read my mind, I'd be a goner for sure.
If my hypothetical friend were dating a vampire, the first thing I'd ask the vampire, "Have you ever killed someone to drink their blood?" If s/he said yes (my hypothetical friend might be dating a lesbian vampire), I would be out of there.
In any case, let's assume he did kill those evil humans and drink their blood. Why doesn't he turn himself in and go to prison? I mean, the guy is immortal... he could do a life sentence standing on his head.
3) He wants to eat her.
Edward is irresistibly attracted to Bella because of the "sweet smell" of her blood. He spends much of the book trying to resist his desire to nom nom nom on her. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't believe in eating my girlfriend.
Is nobody else bothered by this?!?
So... in conclusion, Edward Cullen will not be dating my hypothetical friend anytime soon.
Please, help me out. I don't understand why girls love Edward Cullen so much (let alone vampires in general). I think vampires are disgusting — especially pedophilic, murderous ones that want to eat people (oh sorry, the PC term is "drink their blood").
Help me understand: why would anyone want to date a vampire like Edward Cullen?!
final destination.. lol
Ever since watching Final Destination, I've been a bit paranoid about getting killed by a freak accident. The one scene that I vividly remember is the car accident scene from Final Destionation 2, where the logs from the truck gets loose and fly through the windshield. Whenever I'm driving, I'm super weary of cars/trucks that are carrying something that can potentially be launched at me during an accident. I try to speed up and past them, or change lanes so that I'm not behind them. I know I'm being overly paranoid because the chances of that happening is not very high. Plus, it's not like I've escaped death before. But since I'm only 17 , there are many things in life I have yet to experience. Dying this young would really suck. So to secure my chances of not dying young, I've decided to write Death a heartfelt email.
Dear Death,
How are you? I'm writing to you in hopes that I won't have to see you for another 60 years or so. Please don't take this personally. I would love to see you when my time comes, but please don't take me till then. I've only lived a mere 17 years and I have much to do and experience.
I have yet to be Featured on Blogger..lol
I have yet to see my favorite band, paramore, in concert.
I have yet to go skydiving and feel the full power of g-force against my face.
I have yet to make my parents really proud.
I have yet to make six figures.
I have yet to conquer procrastination.
I have yet to travel the globe. I want to eat fresh crepes by the Leaning Tower, watch a sunset on Stonehenge, go dog sledding in Antarctica, ride an elephant in Thailand, see a poison dart frog in it's natural habit in the Amazon Rainforest, take a picture with a fobby peace sign in front of a pyramid, go on an African Safari, and watch the toilet water whirl counter-clockwise in Australia.
Last, and most importantly, I have yet to experience true love. I haven't even been into a serious relationship before. It's not that I don't want to, I just can't seem to find it yet but I'm definitely working on it. Please give me more time.
As you can see, I have many many more miles to go before I sleep. I'm no where close to my final destination, but I do look forward to getting there some day. Until then, please don't visit me.
ayhie
disconnect..................
Do you ever get tired of being so very connected to everything?
It sometimes seems to me like I am drowning in the connections. I feel bound by modern technology. Computer. Cell phone. IM. Email. Blogs. Facebook. Television. Radio. Cars. Even Wristwatches. Each of these things empower you so much that they restrict you.
You can't say "you lost track of time" because you have a watch. You can't say you can't go somewhere because it's too far since you can just drive or fly or take a Bus. A letter can be "lost in the mail" but an email never is. Read receipts if enabled even tell them whether you even read their letter. Through your IM status people can tell whether or not you are actively in front of your computer. Your various facebook status, your blog, your twitters and your imoods gives other people a constant insight into your current mood and feelings, your relationship status, and your very mental life itself.
And your cell phone... Oh the horror of it! It's always there. Always taunting you. A text or a call or a voicemail or a paige or an IM or an email can now reach you anywhere at any time no matter what you are doing and you can't escape! A constant permanent connection to everyone you know. They can ask you a question, engage you in conversation, check and see how you are doing, or wonder why you haven't called them or contacted them when they know you have the power to reach you at any time day or night. And it's not like you can say "I tried to call but no one answered" because they know whether or not you called and they always answer anyway. Because their cell phone is always there. Just like yours is. You are both bound by the curse of modern mobility and there is no escaping it.
Am I the only one that is bothered by this? It's like technology takes away your ability to make excuses. It makes it impossible to isolate yourself. Impossible to have a moment of true quiet lost in your own thoughts. Impossible to feel at peace. Because you're always virtually near others. Always surrounded by others. Caught up in the thoughts and thinking of others. Even when you're all by yourself.
Even when you try to disconnect, you can't. It just leads to people worrying and wondering about you. And then you get the questions. Why haven't you updated your blog lately? Why haven't you changed your facebook status? What's going on? Why did you turn off your phone? Is something wrong? Are you ok? Endless questions. Texted to you. Emailed to you. Commented on your blog. Left in your voice mail. And that all in turn leads to your feeling a sense of guilt for making people worry and making them wonder. You feel like you are failing your obligation to connect with people and hurting people in the process.
But maybe we just want to disconnect. Just for a bit. A week. A month. A year maybe. Just disconnect. Remove ourselves from people and thoughts and wonder and wishes. To avoid the all seeing eye of technology. To remove yourself from the culture of constant connectivity. To feel unbound. To feel truly alone.
And be free. Disconnected...
It sometimes seems to me like I am drowning in the connections. I feel bound by modern technology. Computer. Cell phone. IM. Email. Blogs. Facebook. Television. Radio. Cars. Even Wristwatches. Each of these things empower you so much that they restrict you.
You can't say "you lost track of time" because you have a watch. You can't say you can't go somewhere because it's too far since you can just drive or fly or take a Bus. A letter can be "lost in the mail" but an email never is. Read receipts if enabled even tell them whether you even read their letter. Through your IM status people can tell whether or not you are actively in front of your computer. Your various facebook status, your blog, your twitters and your imoods gives other people a constant insight into your current mood and feelings, your relationship status, and your very mental life itself.
And your cell phone... Oh the horror of it! It's always there. Always taunting you. A text or a call or a voicemail or a paige or an IM or an email can now reach you anywhere at any time no matter what you are doing and you can't escape! A constant permanent connection to everyone you know. They can ask you a question, engage you in conversation, check and see how you are doing, or wonder why you haven't called them or contacted them when they know you have the power to reach you at any time day or night. And it's not like you can say "I tried to call but no one answered" because they know whether or not you called and they always answer anyway. Because their cell phone is always there. Just like yours is. You are both bound by the curse of modern mobility and there is no escaping it.
Am I the only one that is bothered by this? It's like technology takes away your ability to make excuses. It makes it impossible to isolate yourself. Impossible to have a moment of true quiet lost in your own thoughts. Impossible to feel at peace. Because you're always virtually near others. Always surrounded by others. Caught up in the thoughts and thinking of others. Even when you're all by yourself.
Even when you try to disconnect, you can't. It just leads to people worrying and wondering about you. And then you get the questions. Why haven't you updated your blog lately? Why haven't you changed your facebook status? What's going on? Why did you turn off your phone? Is something wrong? Are you ok? Endless questions. Texted to you. Emailed to you. Commented on your blog. Left in your voice mail. And that all in turn leads to your feeling a sense of guilt for making people worry and making them wonder. You feel like you are failing your obligation to connect with people and hurting people in the process.
But maybe we just want to disconnect. Just for a bit. A week. A month. A year maybe. Just disconnect. Remove ourselves from people and thoughts and wonder and wishes. To avoid the all seeing eye of technology. To remove yourself from the culture of constant connectivity. To feel unbound. To feel truly alone.
And be free. Disconnected...
"WHAT IF" is a killer
"So if you made it, just be glad that you did and stay there. If you ever feel loved or needed, just remember that you're one of the lucky ones." -Straylight Run
Have you ever wondered whether your significant other is the one with whom you should be? Have you wondered whether there might be someone better? Might you be happier had you chosen so-and-so instead? Do you ever ask yourself "What if..."?
Stop it, you fool. No matter who your beloved is, I can guarantee that he or she is not perfect. There's always someone cuter, sexier, smarter, funnier, richer, etc. There's always a next best thing to chase, so that cycle never ends, and it leaves a lot of people bitter and alone.
If it's not broken, don't fix it. If your relationship is broken, that's a different story entirely. But if you're with someone, and you can sincerely say, "I can't imagine loving anyone more," don't test that theory! Don't settle into an unhealthy relationship, but if what you have is good, be happy. The search is over, so stop looking. End of story.
Single?? What are you doing for v-day??
Valentine's Day sucks when you're single.
Don't try to deny it. Everyone else around you is happy and in love and you're the one that has to pretend everything is okay and that you actually really DO like being alone! For some people, this might not be the case. Some people choose to be single and ARE happy with their lives... for others (namely me) who are going through a breakup/heartache, Valentine's Day is just a horrible stab of a reminder that so many other people around you are in love.
I'm already tired of seeing pink and red everywhere ........
That being said, does anyone else out there (mainly people that are heartbroken like myself) think that there should be more "power to the single people" propaganda around V-Day? Or, if you are single, what do you have planned for that special day?
mending a broken heart...
Have you ever wondered why it hurts so much when you lose your love, a lost romance that can never be found again?
The art of romance, the part where you fall deep into love is about giving your heart away to someone, a softer place to fall upon without worry. You give your heart away and your heart is in her hands and when she breaks your heart, you become lost with only pieces that remain. It’s a journey of finding your heart all over again. And it’s a journey of putting all the shattered parts together as your hands are bleeding with every piece that you touch.
To mend a broken heart is a process of healing and in a lot of ways emotional wounds are like physical wounds. You must rid yourself from all the poisons that linger in order to heal completely, instead of looking for a temporary fix. A lot of people say it’s best to keep yourself busy so you can keep your mind off your sorrows, but at the end of the day when you’re all alone, you still have to face the hurt no matter what you do and it’s about standing tall even when the world is crumbling down before your eyes.
Our desire and need to express our thoughts and feelings are one of the most important aspects when it comes to mending and crying is very necessary sometimes.
The art of romance, the part where you fall deep into love is about giving your heart away to someone, a softer place to fall upon without worry. You give your heart away and your heart is in her hands and when she breaks your heart, you become lost with only pieces that remain. It’s a journey of finding your heart all over again. And it’s a journey of putting all the shattered parts together as your hands are bleeding with every piece that you touch.
To mend a broken heart is a process of healing and in a lot of ways emotional wounds are like physical wounds. You must rid yourself from all the poisons that linger in order to heal completely, instead of looking for a temporary fix. A lot of people say it’s best to keep yourself busy so you can keep your mind off your sorrows, but at the end of the day when you’re all alone, you still have to face the hurt no matter what you do and it’s about standing tall even when the world is crumbling down before your eyes.
Our desire and need to express our thoughts and feelings are one of the most important aspects when it comes to mending and crying is very necessary sometimes.
what is love?? lol
love is..
a unifying response between two people,something that is more than a simple thought or emotion,a mutual attraction, an unselfish mind-set, a will to do what is best for the person you care about,the ability to look past imperfections and care with selfless patience,and to share ultimate happiness as a common goal.but what's so great about love anyway?we have our entire lives (somewhere around 76.4 years) to find someone, and to love them unconditionally. but when is the right time to start looking for that person? in my opinion, people take love too seriously. they start looking too early, rush into love too quickly. i say we ought to spend our time wisely, slow down, and take things one step at a time. take some time, while we're young, to enjoy life. we have so many things to experience before we grow up, find jobs, and get married. if love is a true testament to self-actualization, then what is youth? if we miss out on youth we miss out on every experience that comes with the ignorance of adolescence: sneaking into R-rated movies, thoughtless pranks, reckless underage drinking, making out in the backseat, the first time in an unknown bed. there are just too many things too miss out on.while love is forever and a fling is for the moment, it is a moment that is essential to living out our lives.
a unifying response between two people,something that is more than a simple thought or emotion,a mutual attraction, an unselfish mind-set, a will to do what is best for the person you care about,the ability to look past imperfections and care with selfless patience,and to share ultimate happiness as a common goal.but what's so great about love anyway?we have our entire lives (somewhere around 76.4 years) to find someone, and to love them unconditionally. but when is the right time to start looking for that person? in my opinion, people take love too seriously. they start looking too early, rush into love too quickly. i say we ought to spend our time wisely, slow down, and take things one step at a time. take some time, while we're young, to enjoy life. we have so many things to experience before we grow up, find jobs, and get married. if love is a true testament to self-actualization, then what is youth? if we miss out on youth we miss out on every experience that comes with the ignorance of adolescence: sneaking into R-rated movies, thoughtless pranks, reckless underage drinking, making out in the backseat, the first time in an unknown bed. there are just too many things too miss out on.while love is forever and a fling is for the moment, it is a moment that is essential to living out our lives.
always love, hate will get you every time..
i was browsing youtube the other day, and i came across a video about gay rights. many of the comments were harsh and vulgar, but i'm not writing in protest to those comments. wanna know why? because the first amendment to the constitution of the united kingdom says that those people have the right to say such things. they can spit out cruelty all they like, it is their right as an english citizen. every one of us has the same rights, and yet, not all of us are treated equally. so then why is it that we disregard the ninth amendment, that all men are created equal? ignorance is a sad thing. so many people live their lives so socialized by a closed-minded culture that they never realize the hate they emit. i hear people say that god hates homosexuals and that the bible tells us homosexuality is wrong. well, if it's in the bible, i'd like to know where. most people who say that haven't even read the bible, much less anything else beneficial to their education. proverbs 6:16-19 gives us a list, the seven things the lord detests: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies, and a man who stirs up dissension among others. it seems god must have forgotten. or maybe people just assume it's in the bible..
i hate valentines!!!!!
I know what you're thinking, Valentine's Day is a day for relationships and expressing our love for one another.So then, what is every other day for?If you ask me, Valentine's Day is nothing more than a gaudy, overblown Hallmark-fabricated holiday. If you have a SO, why do you need one day out of the year to tell them you love and appreciate them? Hopefully you do that every day. If you rely on a holiday centered around a naked flying cherub who bombards unsuspecting people with magical arrows to commemorate your love, you might want to take a closer look at your relationship. And if you're single, not only does it become embarrassingly apparent by your somber mood and lack of an oversized stuffed animal or grossly overkill number of roses to flaunt around your school or office, but you often get roped into participating in even more ludicrous holidays, like "Single's Awareness Day" and receive countless Facebook invites for dinner parties and movie nights themed around the idea of giving Valentine's Day a big "fuck you" while you pitifully watch chick flicks and cram your face with chalky candy hearts and leftover boxed chocolates. As for me, you may be surprised to hear after all my bashing that I am not, in fact, single. My boyfriend hates Valentine's Day just as much as I do (although I have my suspicions that his reasons stem from the amount of money men are typically expected to spend on V-Day), and we've decided to treat it like any other day in our relationship. In fact, I told him that my ideal Valentine's Day would be nothing more than the two of us spending the day together in a nice cozy bed, far away from the cold, the stress, the flaunting couples, and the Hallmark gifts. No flowers, chocolate, stuffed animals, romantic movies, or expensive dinners for us.
this is it.....
God it's been awyl since i've last been here and with the months that had pass ofcorz.. so many things happened.. details that i've could atleast remember some.. oh well, neway.. i've turned to someone far from who i used to be.. there wer moments of confussions and disbeliefs but most of d time my life was full of joy and i remember having fun each night... ofcorz part of the reason of my happiness was argel.. he was always there for me from time to time.. there wer fights ofcorz and relationship won't be relationship w/o those little fights.. everynight w/ him made life easier maybe part of the reason would be because no one's hurting me nemore... and for the longest time of my life... i felt much relieved that i was w/ him coz i know argel would take care of me like no one else could ever do.. well neway enuf with that.. the past 2 months gone so quickly..nights of partying would soon end.. life overflowing of joy.. these are the moments of my life that i wish would never end... i just want the world to stop here for once... but then again.. as i've said this is not me nemore.. m no longer the irish i used to be.. i've done tons of mistake that i might regret in the long run.. i've hurt so many people.. especially mom and dad... i've messed up.. big time... and i know this is the time i've to faced the mess i've done i don't know how to start again and i dunno how to deal w/ my mom and dad... but sooner or later i'd be facing all this.. and that sooner or later would have to be now.. or else... my life would be doomed.. i just wish for forgiveness.. this is not the life i chose but rather this is wer life had took me..
What is life after a break up?
Breaking up from a relationship is either ‘’just-one-of-those things” or a bad blow to your emotions, in short, you end up in an emotional whirlwind and you have no idea how to get out. So, how does one deal with such situations?
Let us look at how people are dealing with break ups. Some people find themselves very lost and depressed that they resort to all kinds of distractions like drugs, alcohol and overeating and even non-committal relationships which get them the high that they want. However, as the temporary ‘high’ that they experience wear off, they find themselves more dependent on these and so more depressed than ever until they are faced with another deeper problem: addiction. Statistics show that women tend to resort to overeating and binge shopping when experiencing emotional hang ups while men turn to drugs and alcohol. These are the self-destructive reactions. No wonder the society is teeming with people who are in bad shape psychologically, physically and of course, financially.
But there are better ways. Some strong-willed people, rather than mope with their heartaches, would channel their attention on some other things. They opt to change and even consider break ups as a turning point in their lives by changing careers, acquiring a new hobby, getting more busy with work, meeting other people and involving in civic and charitable work. They find themselves stronger people as a result and the break up has done them good in the end. However, sometimes when the interest in the change is only superficial or sees it as mere temporary distraction, the problem persists. One may find himself in another relationship which will eventually end up in the same manner or worse. Or one may not even get out of the emotional trauma, finding himself/ herself with depleted self-esteem and unwilling, consciously or unconsciously, to get into another relationship.
So far the best option for anyone is to seek professional or spiritual help. With psychotherapy or hypnotherapy, one may even be helped get to the root of a relationship problem, the how and why he/she tends to be attracted to negative destructive relationships or just to bring back his/her confidence or how to forgive his/her ex and himself/ herself, etc. But these can take a long time aside from being expensive. Meditation and spiritual retreats are the growing trend these days. Many of these centers are found in Asia where meditation techniques originate from oriental religions.
With the different meditation techniques, one finds peace with himself and his being and his thoughts are in harmony with the universe or God. There is an old adage saying that only a person who loves himself can find enough love to give to others. Therefore, one is taught first to find, understand, love and believe in oneself before venturing to other relationships. Benefits that anyone can derive from meditation include inner peace and happiness, forgiveness and understanding of oneself and other human beings, even healing of ailments, more focus, becoming more tuned in to God, and much more benefits that modern science is now trying to explain. In other words, there is really no fear of getting stuck with a broken heart. Break ups should only be treated as learning experiences.
* Fashion Designer Wannabe. I like Tailored Suits.
Whenever there is a gathering of men and women, my eyes are often drawn to the kind of outfits they wear and how they carry them. And I have grand time distinguishing between those who are best dressed from the poorly dressed and those who come in between, from simple to the sophisticated and the daring, flashy and flamboyant and the overdressed – just like in magazines.
I’m not a fashion designer, much less an expert in fashion, but by careful observations, I always pick ideas or useful tips on how colors should be combined, what kind of accessories or jewelries match certain outfits, how a suit should be cut to compliment a certain build, what kind and color of shoes, bag, belt, or even headgear to match the outfit, what kind of fabric, even color to suit the occasion, and so on. By now I can pretty well distinguish easily who are wearing tailored suits or shirts from those who just grabbed their outfits from the stores, especially when they are side by side. When a suit is tailored for a person, it almost always fits perfectly and comfortably, the rich fabrics looking more expensive and elegant, while most off-the-rack outfits are made from poor quality fabrics. Because ready-to-wear outfits are based on standard sizes, they are often ill-fitting or little too loose, long or short on certain areas resulting in the wearer losing his poise. By observing also keeps me tuned in to the latest trends in fashion and I make sure that I am regularly updated of the latest from the fashion capitals in the world. Paris, Milan, New York and London.
Armed with these knowledge, finding the right shirts and suits for myself, or even designing my own wardrobe or dressing in style has always been an exciting hobby. It has indeed helped me become more confident socially. It pays to be a fashion smart by observing others.
I’m not a fashion designer, much less an expert in fashion, but by careful observations, I always pick ideas or useful tips on how colors should be combined, what kind of accessories or jewelries match certain outfits, how a suit should be cut to compliment a certain build, what kind and color of shoes, bag, belt, or even headgear to match the outfit, what kind of fabric, even color to suit the occasion, and so on. By now I can pretty well distinguish easily who are wearing tailored suits or shirts from those who just grabbed their outfits from the stores, especially when they are side by side. When a suit is tailored for a person, it almost always fits perfectly and comfortably, the rich fabrics looking more expensive and elegant, while most off-the-rack outfits are made from poor quality fabrics. Because ready-to-wear outfits are based on standard sizes, they are often ill-fitting or little too loose, long or short on certain areas resulting in the wearer losing his poise. By observing also keeps me tuned in to the latest trends in fashion and I make sure that I am regularly updated of the latest from the fashion capitals in the world. Paris, Milan, New York and London.
Armed with these knowledge, finding the right shirts and suits for myself, or even designing my own wardrobe or dressing in style has always been an exciting hobby. It has indeed helped me become more confident socially. It pays to be a fashion smart by observing others.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
