friendship?????

Does friendship mean the same to you, when some friends
disappear from your own eyes without a word or reason.
Do people I call my friends, appreciate my friendship at all?

My boyfriend has said this to me numerous times;
something along the lines of, "you care about them and
appreciate them as friends, but have they ever treated you as a friend?"
These words always run through my mind, when I think of friends;
but on the other hand it gives me a perspective of friendship.

But truly, what is the one point that keeps a friendship going

on being discovered

i have known for quite sometime that some of my friends read this blog. it is not something that bothers me really. they do not have accounts, so they can not comment. but sometimes they will send emails or call or whatever to let me know what they think about a certain post. (from here on out, friends, do not be offended and take this as me not wanting you to continue to read. that is not the point of this post!)

there was a post a few days ago that was very personal and took me forever to write. (it has since been 'protected'). i wanted the words out there. i wanted to get it off my chest. i wanted to explain myself. i received overwhelming amounts of support and love from it (thank you guys) that i will be forever grateful for.

someone recently asked me why i took that post down. i didn't take it down because friends was reading it. i didn't take it down because i started feeling ashamed. i took it down because after a few people read it and understood, i didn't feel that anyone else needed to see it. i'm through with it right now and the people that needed to see it, saw it. does that even make sense?

need some help..

okay. so i've been trying to find the perfect wireless mouse/presenter to use in my room this is the one i want:

it is an iogear phaser mouse. you hold it like a gun (there's a trigger on the underneath side that you can't see in this pic) and operate the track ball on the top with your thumb. you can click the trigger on the underneath side to select, just like a left mouse click. the buttons on the top work the same as any mouse: left click and right click. the button in the middle is a laser pointer. so it's really a mouse and a presenter all in one.

here's the problem. they don't make this mouse anymore, from what i can tell. it is not listed anywhere in their online catalog. i had one in my old room (different house) and loved it. but now i can't get one for this room. i'm looking for not just one of those power point presenters, but a mouse as well.

do you all know of a similar product? on that is a presenter AND a mouse that will control the entire computer.

i would really appreciate it! my mum finally gives me money to get what i need and i can't find the mouse i want. perfect!

Does Fighting Really Make Your Relationship Stronger?

Everyone says that when you overcome your obstacles, it makes you stronger. But does that kind of statement apply to relationships?

I once heard that if a couple cannot handle the hard times together, then they will not succeed. I guess it's the thought of being there for each other and taking care of each other. It's like you're both going through it together instead of dealing with it separately. Do the obstacles you go through as a couple, like fights and drama, make you both stronger and the relationship more durable?

My boyfriend and I are a happy couple. We do have a few fights, but they're meaningless and very tiny compared to our other friends' fights. Because we don't fight a lot - practically not at all - does that mean our relationship is strong, or do we HAVE to go through these "tests/obstacles" to make us stronger?

I'm not saying that we should start fights with each other or anything. It was just a random realization that I had. Should I even worry that we don't fight at all?

Some people want drama in their relationship or are drama seekers to make their dull relationship more exciting...but I would like to stay away from those issues so we can have a normal and happy relationship. We both hate fighting and getting angry with each other, so we both are cautious and try not to let things get to us. And it's working so far.

How Text Messaging Ruins Relationships

The title is pretty self-explanatory, therefore eliminating the need for an introduction, so I'll just dive right in!

1) No face time
I don't know about you guys, but I text with people I hardly ever talk to in "real life" as I'll call it. When I say "real life" I am including on the phone. Why? Because then you can hear expressions, tones, laughs, tears. It's just more personal, making it possible to actually carry on a relationship with someone. Clacking away on an impossibly small keypad as your main means of communication with your SO? Yeah, not exactly a bonding experience.

2) I can't hear you!
Sarcasm, anger, sadness, sincerity, etc. are all impossible to distinguish within a text. This has spawned many a confusing conversation, if not an argument, between me and my BF. He thought I was mad; I was being sarcastic. I thought he was kidding; turns out he was serious. You get the idea.

3) Tick tock, tick tock
Again, I don't know about you guys, but I get so frustrated waiting for texts. I sent it to you 10 minutes ago and you still have not replied! I have been waiting! Are you ignoring me? Are you busy? If you were going to be busy, why didn't you tell me instead of making me sit here for 15 minutes waiting for you to answer my question!? By the time your SO does finally respond to your text, you're in an exceedingly foul mood from having to wait so long, which will likely put the conversation into a downward spiral.

4) 160 characters
There is no possible way most messages can be summarized in the small number of words SMS messages allow, therefore forcing you to send multiple texts, a frustrating endeavor in itself. Add in the fact that your SO may interrupt your flow of messages, ask a question, or some other nuisance that requires you to type yet another messages to explain your previous ones. You are gonna get carpal tunnel and all because of that dimwitted little... Well, you get my point.

5) What?
There is absolutely nothing more frustrating to me than having there be so much time between text messages that, when you respond, I have absolutely no idea what your response means because I cannot remember what I sent. Either I will have to flip through my "Sent" folder to find it or I will have to ask you and then you will get frustrated, causing me to get frustrated and then YELLING ENSUES! Or rather, CAPSLOCK ENSUES!

6) Tech-Not-So-Savvy
Too many tales have been told about people finding things on their SOs' phones that they consider incriminating. Whatever you find, you are likely to assume the worst and blow it out of proportion before actually talking to your SO. If there was no texting, none of this would have happened and you could have gone back to good ol' computer-snooping.

7) "we need 2 tlk"
While I have never experienced this (and, god willing, never will), I know too many people that have received the infamous text message breakup. This is so cold, so low, that it should be perfectly legal for you to go over and key their car, shave their dog, whatever! At least call, seriously!

Reasons why it sucks to be a woman!!!!!

Never trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and won't die."
-South Park


I hate that "monthly visit from Aunt Flo." Want to know what I hate even more, beyond words and with a passion, during this time? MEN. It's like the first sign of PMS and first sign of slight cramps and it's like "OHP! YOU HAVE A PENIS, YOU NEED TO DIE!" because you will NEVER know what kind of hell this is. Ever. You lucky bastard.

But joke's on you! You have to put up with half the population going crazy at some point of the month!

Here's a couple of reasons why I hate being a woman with an "Aunt Flo":

1. My emotions go bonkers, and I seriously can't help it.
I want to cry over nothing, get angry over nothing and feel extremely irritated 24/7 for 7-14 days. Everything is taken personally. EX:" You didn't kiss me right when you saw me? You must not love me. You're just using me." I get extremely irrational and everything upsets me. In short, I turn into a psycho bitch.

You think you can't handle being around me while I'm on my rag, how do you think I feel having to be in my own head like this?!

2. I hate men. End of story.
During my agonizing bleeding, I automatically hate men. Again, I can't help it, I DO NOT want to be anywhere near a man and my want/need of being around women goes up dramatically. I guess because women would understand my irrationality, pain and what I'm going through where a man would not. Men will NEVER know. You will never understand the pain of having to go through this every month, let alone go through other womanly functions such as giving birth. I hope all men get kidney stones at some point in their life, as this is the only thing that could be compared to/be worse than child birth.

3. It fucking hurts.
I can't speak for all women, but for the most part, being on your period hurts like hell. Especially for me, as there is a very good chance that I have endometriosis. Cramps for me get so sever that doctors will willingly give me hospital orders for morphine, I can't lift my head without throwing up and I have terrible radiating pain (everything from my stomach to my lower back and kidneys hurt. It feels like someone just focused in on kicking me with steel toed boots for 15 minutes in that area).

4. Cravings
...are ridiculous. I know I get horrible cravings and it's usually for protein and sugar. So... while Aunt Flo is in town, my diet consists of steak (or any meat substance), fish and waffles. Usually eaten at the same time. Together. Or peanutbutter and Oreos with a deli sandwich on sourdough bread. Or tomato soup mixed with garlic mashed potatoes and waffles with some cranberry juice mixed with 7Up. I know that sometimes they get so bad that I can't go to sleep at night, I HAVE to have what I'm craving.

5. You eat like a pig.
This ties in with number 4. The food network no longer becomes a channel that you just flip past on TV or for learning how to cook something new... it becomes porn. You want to eat anything and everything. You crave food like a crazy pregnant woman and you want your food now. You don't believe in sharing [maybe you didn't in the first place, but hey I'm just saying...], you act like a total fatass and get angry when someone takes any of your food or eats the last of whatever you had your eye on. You get upset at parties for waiting so long for the cake, only to find out it tastes like shit. You. Want. Food. Now.

6. You retain enough water to be considered a second species of camel.
I drink a butt load of water and on a regular basis. I drink passively. If there's a bottle of water (which there always is) I'll just drink it until all of a sudden there's about 6 water bottles on my desk in a matter of a few hours. So when I'm on my period, this causes problems. I'll drink about 5-8 bottles of water (guesstimating on average) on a given day and only pee like 2 times the WHOLE day. I don't even think it would even qualify as "taking a piss" so much as "tinkling" I pee so little.

7. Your self esteem goes through the floor.
This pretty much encompasses everything stated above. You get irrational, emotional, act and eat like a fatass and gain about 10 lbs. in water weight. Do I really need to explain why our self esteem smashes through the floor?? None of our clothes fit, everything feels too tight, you perceive yourself a lot differently on your period and it's usually negatively, so you definitely feel like you're fat and you think you look even fatter and it doesn't help that while you're thinking that while looking in the mirror all you can do is think about having a brownie sundae and go to sleep afterwords.

Seriously ridiculous.

"Ridiculous" just happens to be my word for general I-don't-know-what-to-call-this-kind-of-behavior-but-it's-not-right. And by "not right," I mean "beyond wrong." Ridiculous: when seriously wrong just doesn't say it all. Whenever you feel yourself in some surreal, Twilight Zone moment, where you don't know how to explain the madness around you (and you're not intoxicated), just call it ridiculous. No need for a thesaurus; I just gave you the word. And I really do mean surreal... like when you first wake up after a long night of caffeine, PS2, and overall bad judgment, and you don't really know what's happening... maybe you're still in a dream... maybe you're up like it's a school day, but it's really Saturday... is my paper due TODAY, or next week... why am I talking to myself... and then you're sitting there microsleeping 15 minutes at a time unable to remember the last thought you had. It's like that. Some of you know what I mean. Some of your DRIVE this way.

Ridiculous



Strange; is the term that comes shortly before ridiculous. They're strange when you meet then; ridiculous when you figure out that that's just HOW they are. Think all of the weird kids from high school or college, and then imagine that you're surrounded by them five days a week. Yeah, welcome to my world, except the weird kids I knew were kind of smart or nice, but still missing something normal. I'm talking about WEIRD weird... kind of like that kid in high school who thought South Africa was a region in Africa, and not a country. ....lol

Example? Ok. The guy next to me is a real piece of work. He thinks he's a player, but he's not. Not even a bad one.. he's just not. He's the absence of player. It's like in chemistry... there's freezing and then there's absolute zero. He's absolute zero. No playerness at all. That's not a bad thing, really, but it's bad to try so hard and be less really bad. I hear him on the phone (at work) talking to whomever he manages to pick up at places I don't want to go... and his game is really bad. Bad game... like when you're the first one to go bankrupt in Monopoly. Don't be that person, because he already is. And he says vulgar things that are kind of funny, except that he really means them, and says them all the time. At first, you'd think "Haha, look at this guy. Is he serious?" [Kind of like women who laugh at some guy being dumb and he thinks you think he's cute. Happens all the time. Stop it]. And there I am on the other side of the room, like "Oh yeaaaaah. He's serious... like a final exam essay question worth 65% of your whole course grade..

People like that are disturbing. Disturbing like when you're drinking from a public fountain outside of a restroom, and you hear a toilet flush, and the water pressure goes down... and then returns to normal... and you think to yourself "I wonder if that's coming through here?"



I'm just telling the truth, though. I think that would be my ideal campaign slogan. People will say "well, I don't like his stances on the two issues that matter to me, but... man, he keeps it real." But, knowing me, I'd change it up in '09, like "hey, keeping it real was SO '08. This is '09, brothaaaaaa." Something like that.. lol

There's nothing good to say about a work environment where I'M the normal one. Believe it."peace"

It's time to start overcoming fears, and becoming fearless.

Let's pretend that I'm writing a motivational self-help book. Somewhere in the Preface or Introduction (that no one would read), I'd have some witty saying, like... "Power is fear under control." I don't know if that makes any sense, because I just now made that up, but you get it. And then there'd be some line about me helping you finally get your life together to achieve your wildest dreams and riches you thought were impossible.


It's not a self-help book, unless it claims to help you achieve the impossible. Remember that.

But, seriously, I really need to overcome my fears.


So, I'm taking myself to a movie. I am. I'm my own date, and I'm paying. I may even buy myself lunch at a nice eatery. I'll say "So, where do you want to go eat?" And I'll answer, "Oh, I dunno. You know me, I'll eat anything. You've been to all of my favorite places. You pick." And then I'll say, "Yeah, me too. I was there. I don't care. It's whatever you want."


Honestly, I've only seen one movie in the theater by myself. I saw Terminator III SNEAK PREVIEW the day before it came out. Yeah, I said it. You're saying "Seriously?" I'm saying "Yeah, seriously. Shut up." And I saw it just because I really wanted to. That was it. I FELT like it, so I did it. That, and I said to myself that it was an exception to the usual rule that only people with no friends see movies alone. I know, now, that's not true, namely because I'm about to do it, and I have friends, except they've already seen the movie I want to see, and I have no other friends who have yet to see who can see it with me, today. I suppose I'm most afraid of being like people I don't want to be like... and I'm the girl at the movies, alone. Someone may look at me and think I'm a loser who couldn't even find someone off the street to the coolest movie of the year. That's the fear, I think. However, there's nothing wrong with being at the movies, alone (unless you're anti-social, because that's just weird), and I'm about to prove it. Man, I may like it so much I won't even ask other people to go to movies with me....

Just kidding. Maybe. But seriously.



And I need the alone time. I need to change many things about myself, and I've been confronted with that, lately, in the scariest, yet most refreshing way. I know I have a lot to lose if I don't, but I also know that what I have to gain by doing it far outweighs the cost of struggling with it, at first. I don't know how to explain it, but perhaps you know how it is. Afraid of something? Take action. Thinking about it and hoping for the best is NOT action, though. That's the other thing I learned, recently. I have many actions to take in the near future, and I will take them all, like free food samples at Wal-mart (can't have just one!).

TRUE Things About Me...

I'm already an open-book - open book, like a criminal law exam - but since several of you are new, here, you may be curious to know the following:

I won't watch a movie at the theater, unless it is highly-recommended by someone whose opinion I trust.
If you saw a movie that you really think I should see, here is how not to encourage me to see it: "Hey, I just saw such-and-such movie with so-and-so, and it was awesome! You should see it." Wrong, won't. The correct endorsement looks something like this: "Hey, I just saw such-and-such movie with so-and-so, and you'd really like it." If I have to choose between eating at Chipotle, or seeing a movie, you had better be sure it's a really good movie. Hancock, or black beans and extra sour cream? C'mon, now.


I could probably eat pizza everyday for a month, at least.
I said it when I was 10, and it still is true. I wasn't joking in P.E. class! Who's laughing now, Mrs. Weygandt?! I win.


I am NOT a morning person, at.all.
If the sun isn't up, neither am I. When it is on its way up, I tell it to go back down. When it goes down, I'm wide awake. A night owl, if you will. I don't know about stores, restaurants, and offices, but my hours of business are 9am
-2am. Well, ideally.


My favorite movies are as follows, arranged by category:

Action: Terminator II: Judgment Day
Comedy: Tommy Boy
Mystery: The Usual Suspects
Thriller: Silence of the Lambs
Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
Romantic Comedy: Ha, sike.

I'm not a grammar snob, I just really like grammar, a lot.
I like English, but not literature. That is for sure. But spelling, sentence diagramming, punctuation... mmmmm. I used to be normal, but then, in 8th grade, I reviewed my old report cards and saw that I always did really well in English. I tend to like the things I think I do well, so there you go. I read Elements of Style as a bedtime story.

I am more afraid of spiders and clowns than failure.
And that's probably because I've actually failed at things. Several things. So it's not the end of the world; however, I've never been harmed by a spider, nor have I had my soul stolen by some smiling, red-nosed monster in ridiculously big shoes. Hence, the fear. It's legit, so say what you want.

Whatever you think of my personality from reading my blogs is probably try, but I'm really shy in person.
I think I am, anyway, except to people I know, then I talk all the time, like a child with a Christmas wish list.


I have no desire to know personally the celebrities I admire.
I'd probably find out that they're regular people who just happen to be famous and talented, or they're jerks who I'd hate if I really knew them. I don't want to spoil my fun.

What makes a good blog???

The good bloggers I read, daily, have at least one thing in common: the ability to blog on a wide range of topics, AND still maintain their own voices. Anyone can write anything, but would you know whose writing it was just from the writing style? Hm?

That's important... to me. After a while, I feel like I could read an anonymous, untitled entry, and still think "Hmm... this reads like [insert blogger]. These are things s/he would say." Perhaps it's the blog equivalent of knowing a person so well, you can almost think for them, or here a story about and know, "Oh, man... this is about That Guy, isn't it? Isn't it?! Tell!"

That's how I get, anyway. I'm excitable.

In my view, that would be the highest praise I could offer or receive; to say "I knew that was you," just because the voice and tone are distinct, and anyone paying attention to what I say knows that's how I stay things.

Yeah, I'll reword that, later.

What I mean is, So, That is to say In other words, it's not the muse that matters. Anyone can write about anything. Write about a car nearly hitting you while you crossed the street in a school zone; or the Christmas presents you want to be sure you don't receive this year; or, tell the truth, you don't really have a life beyond your blog. C'mon, you know it's true about someone... and "someone" does not mean me, so don't even start.



I've tried, many times, to force myself to think of things to write just because I felt like it was "that time," or I just wasn't inspired, or, "Oh no, this is a high-traffic time of day. Do it NOWWW," as if something magical must happen before the mood strikes me to share something. That's probably the source of the oft-encountered "BLOG Hiatus." A momentus event, when you're favorite writer shuts down for a while, and it's like "Ohhh, noooooes! Top blogs won't be the saaaaaame!"

Please... you must calm that down. Immediately. I can't read that (except here).

Anyway, there's no sense in forcing the issue trying to coming up with something clever, or resorting to the trendy BLOG topic of the day/month/week/election year. I suppose it's a good default, if you just have to say something to the adoring fans who eat at their desks during lunch time, or forgo happy hour with the boss just to read your latest update; but let's be honest, and agree that versatility, like satire, is nearly a lost art. Anything can be made clever, humorous, serious, or satirical, if you do it write right.

And that is why it's the writer's voice that is more important than subject matter, honestly. Anyone write about what happened, today; over the weekend; the epic fail of an online relationship; or your retaliation blog to a comment someone took way too seriously. I know. I've seen these. Some are whack, others are tremendously intriguing

Why? Because the writer told a good story and made what could be mundane, or seemingly-uninteresting something fun to read, or at least similar to something I've experienced, and injected several instances of "this is how this story goes when I write it." Or... it just sounds funny (since I've never had an epic fail of an online relationship). Anything can be your muse, because, let's face, it's not like the weirdness in my life is something I could make up. My muse is just whatever comes to mind when I sit down, and think "Uh..." and some form of ridiculousness comes out, and some of you like it, or at least pity-comment me. It's ok. I won't tell, nor do I cry into my huge pillow, every night, like "Why won't they recommend meeeeee?!"

That's why I say the subject matter doesn't have to be awesome. Look at the things I write.

Actually, don't. Please don't.



-----AYHIE

Why Do Girls Love Edward Cullen from Twilight So Much? no offense meant.... hmmmm

Why does Bella like a vampire so much... and why are women so attracted to him? Whatever his secret is, it must be pretty amazing stuff, because there are some pretty serious problems with dating a vampire.

Here are the top three concerns I would have if Edward Cullen was dating girls..

1) He's a pedophile.

Edward was born in 1901. I looked it up, and Twilight was published in 2005. So Edward is 104 years old.

Does it bother anyone else that a 104 year old guy is dating a 17 year old girl?! I mean, I know he looks 17 forever...but still, come on. He's over 100!

I'm trying to imagine if my friend came home one day and said, "Hey , I'd like you to meet my boyfriend..." Actually, if he's 104 and she's 17, I'd have the world's easiest case of statutory rape. I know it's legal to have sex with 16 year olds in some states, but what if the guy is 104?! I think I could win a jury trial.

I've heard that girls like older guys, but this is ridiculous.

2) He's a murderer.

Edward has admitted to killing people back when he was first a vampire. Of course, they were "bad people"... so it's okay.

Umm...no. I watch Dexter, this show on Showtime about a serial killer who only kills other serial killers. It's a lot of fun, but I don't think two wrongs make a right. What if Dexter and Edward are wrong about the people they kill?

Okay, I know Edward can read minds... but still. I have a pretty filthy mind... if Edward read my mind, I'd be a goner for sure.

If my hypothetical friend were dating a vampire, the first thing I'd ask the vampire, "Have you ever killed someone to drink their blood?" If s/he said yes (my hypothetical friend might be dating a lesbian vampire), I would be out of there.

In any case, let's assume he did kill those evil humans and drink their blood. Why doesn't he turn himself in and go to prison? I mean, the guy is immortal... he could do a life sentence standing on his head.

3) He wants to eat her.

Edward is irresistibly attracted to Bella because of the "sweet smell" of her blood. He spends much of the book trying to resist his desire to nom nom nom on her. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't believe in eating my girlfriend.

Is nobody else bothered by this?!?


So... in conclusion, Edward Cullen will not be dating my hypothetical friend anytime soon.

Please, help me out. I don't understand why girls love Edward Cullen so much (let alone vampires in general). I think vampires are disgusting — especially pedophilic, murderous ones that want to eat people (oh sorry, the PC term is "drink their blood").

Help me understand: why would anyone want to date a vampire like Edward Cullen?!

final destination.. lol

Ever since watching Final Destination, I've been a bit paranoid about getting killed by a freak accident. The one scene that I vividly remember is the car accident scene from Final Destionation 2, where the logs from the truck gets loose and fly through the windshield. Whenever I'm driving, I'm super weary of cars/trucks that are carrying something that can potentially be launched at me during an accident. I try to speed up and past them, or change lanes so that I'm not behind them. I know I'm being overly paranoid because the chances of that happening is not very high. Plus, it's not like I've escaped death before. But since I'm only 17 , there are many things in life I have yet to experience. Dying this young would really suck. So to secure my chances of not dying young, I've decided to write Death a heartfelt email.

Dear Death,

How are you? I'm writing to you in hopes that I won't have to see you for another 60 years or so. Please don't take this personally. I would love to see you when my time comes, but please don't take me till then. I've only lived a mere 17 years and I have much to do and experience.

I have yet to be Featured on Blogger..lol

I have yet to see my favorite band, paramore, in concert.

I have yet to go skydiving and feel the full power of g-force against my face.

I have yet to make my parents really proud.

I have yet to make six figures.

I have yet to conquer procrastination.

I have yet to travel the globe. I want to eat fresh crepes by the Leaning Tower, watch a sunset on Stonehenge, go dog sledding in Antarctica, ride an elephant in Thailand, see a poison dart frog in it's natural habit in the Amazon Rainforest, take a picture with a fobby peace sign in front of a pyramid, go on an African Safari, and watch the toilet water whirl counter-clockwise in Australia.

Last, and most importantly, I have yet to experience true love. I haven't even been into a serious relationship before. It's not that I don't want to, I just can't seem to find it yet but I'm definitely working on it. Please give me more time.

As you can see, I have many many more miles to go before I sleep. I'm no where close to my final destination, but I do look forward to getting there some day. Until then, please don't visit me.

Sincerely,
ayhie

disconnect..................

Do you ever get tired of being so very connected to everything?

It sometimes seems to me like I am drowning in the connections. I feel bound by modern technology. Computer. Cell phone. IM. Email. Blogs. Facebook. Television. Radio. Cars. Even Wristwatches. Each of these things empower you so much that they restrict you.

You can't say "you lost track of time" because you have a watch. You can't say you can't go somewhere because it's too far since you can just drive or fly or take a Bus. A letter can be "lost in the mail" but an email never is. Read receipts if enabled even tell them whether you even read their letter. Through your IM status people can tell whether or not you are actively in front of your computer. Your various facebook status, your blog, your twitters and your imoods gives other people a constant insight into your current mood and feelings, your relationship status, and your very mental life itself.

And your cell phone... Oh the horror of it! It's always there. Always taunting you. A text or a call or a voicemail or a paige or an IM or an email can now reach you anywhere at any time no matter what you are doing and you can't escape! A constant permanent connection to everyone you know. They can ask you a question, engage you in conversation, check and see how you are doing, or wonder why you haven't called them or contacted them when they know you have the power to reach you at any time day or night. And it's not like you can say "I tried to call but no one answered" because they know whether or not you called and they always answer anyway. Because their cell phone is always there. Just like yours is. You are both bound by the curse of modern mobility and there is no escaping it.

Am I the only one that is bothered by this? It's like technology takes away your ability to make excuses. It makes it impossible to isolate yourself. Impossible to have a moment of true quiet lost in your own thoughts. Impossible to feel at peace. Because you're always virtually near others. Always surrounded by others. Caught up in the thoughts and thinking of others. Even when you're all by yourself.

Even when you try to disconnect, you can't. It just leads to people worrying and wondering about you. And then you get the questions. Why haven't you updated your blog lately? Why haven't you changed your facebook status? What's going on? Why did you turn off your phone? Is something wrong? Are you ok? Endless questions. Texted to you. Emailed to you. Commented on your blog. Left in your voice mail. And that all in turn leads to your feeling a sense of guilt for making people worry and making them wonder. You feel like you are failing your obligation to connect with people and hurting people in the process.

But maybe we just want to disconnect. Just for a bit. A week. A month. A year maybe. Just disconnect. Remove ourselves from people and thoughts and wonder and wishes. To avoid the all seeing eye of technology. To remove yourself from the culture of constant connectivity. To feel unbound. To feel truly alone.

And be free. Disconnected...

"WHAT IF" is a killer

"So if you made it, just be glad that you did and stay there. If you ever feel loved or needed, just remember that you're one of the lucky ones." -Straylight Run

Have you ever wondered whether your significant other is the one with whom you should be? Have you wondered whether there might be someone better? Might you be happier had you chosen so-and-so instead? Do you ever ask yourself "What if..."?

Stop it, you fool. No matter who your beloved is, I can guarantee that he or she is not perfect. There's always someone cuter, sexier, smarter, funnier, richer, etc. There's always a next best thing to chase, so that cycle never ends, and it leaves a lot of people bitter and alone.

If it's not broken, don't fix it. If your relationship is broken, that's a different story entirely. But if you're with someone, and you can sincerely say, "I can't imagine loving anyone more," don't test that theory! Don't settle into an unhealthy relationship, but if what you have is good, be happy. The search is over, so stop looking. End of story.

Single?? What are you doing for v-day??

Valentine's Day sucks when you're single.

Don't try to deny it. Everyone else around you is happy and in love and you're the one that has to pretend everything is okay and that you actually really DO like being alone! For some people, this might not be the case. Some people choose to be single and ARE happy with their lives... for others (namely me) who are going through a breakup/heartache, Valentine's Day is just a horrible stab of a reminder that so many other people around you are in love.

I'm already tired of seeing pink and red everywhere ........

That being said, does anyone else out there (mainly people that are heartbroken like myself) think that there should be more "power to the single people" propaganda around V-Day? Or, if you are single, what do you have planned for that special day?

mending a broken heart...

Have you ever wondered why it hurts so much when you lose your love, a lost romance that can never be found again?
The art of romance, the part where you fall deep into love is about giving your heart away to someone, a softer place to fall upon without worry. You give your heart away and your heart is in her hands and when she breaks your heart, you become lost with only pieces that remain. It’s a journey of finding your heart all over again. And it’s a journey of putting all the shattered parts together as your hands are bleeding with every piece that you touch.
To mend a broken heart is a process of healing and in a lot of ways emotional wounds are like physical wounds. You must rid yourself from all the poisons that linger in order to heal completely, instead of looking for a temporary fix. A lot of people say it’s best to keep yourself busy so you can keep your mind off your sorrows, but at the end of the day when you’re all alone, you still have to face the hurt no matter what you do and it’s about standing tall even when the world is crumbling down before your eyes.
Our desire and need to express our thoughts and feelings are one of the most important aspects when it comes to mending and crying is very necessary sometimes.

what is love?? lol

love is..
a unifying response between two people,something that is more than a simple thought or emotion,a mutual attraction, an unselfish mind-set, a will to do what is best for the person you care about,the ability to look past imperfections and care with selfless patience,and to share ultimate happiness as a common goal.but what's so great about love anyway?we have our entire lives (somewhere around 76.4 years) to find someone, and to love them unconditionally. but when is the right time to start looking for that person? in my opinion, people take love too seriously. they start looking too early, rush into love too quickly. i say we ought to spend our time wisely, slow down, and take things one step at a time. take some time, while we're young, to enjoy life. we have so many things to experience before we grow up, find jobs, and get married. if love is a true testament to self-actualization, then what is youth? if we miss out on youth we miss out on every experience that comes with the ignorance of adolescence: sneaking into R-rated movies, thoughtless pranks, reckless underage drinking, making out in the backseat, the first time in an unknown bed. there are just too many things too miss out on.while love is forever and a fling is for the moment, it is a moment that is essential to living out our lives.

always love, hate will get you every time..

i was browsing youtube the other day, and i came across a video about gay rights. many of the comments were harsh and vulgar, but i'm not writing in protest to those comments. wanna know why? because the first amendment to the constitution of the united kingdom says that those people have the right to say such things. they can spit out cruelty all they like, it is their right as an english citizen. every one of us has the same rights, and yet, not all of us are treated equally. so then why is it that we disregard the ninth amendment, that all men are created equal? ignorance is a sad thing. so many people live their lives so socialized by a closed-minded culture that they never realize the hate they emit. i hear people say that god hates homosexuals and that the bible tells us homosexuality is wrong. well, if it's in the bible, i'd like to know where. most people who say that haven't even read the bible, much less anything else beneficial to their education. proverbs 6:16-19 gives us a list, the seven things the lord detests: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies, and a man who stirs up dissension among others. it seems god must have forgotten. or maybe people just assume it's in the bible..

i hate valentines!!!!!

I know what you're thinking, Valentine's Day is a day for relationships and expressing our love for one another.So then, what is every other day for?If you ask me, Valentine's Day is nothing more than a gaudy, overblown Hallmark-fabricated holiday. If you have a SO, why do you need one day out of the year to tell them you love and appreciate them? Hopefully you do that every day. If you rely on a holiday centered around a naked flying cherub who bombards unsuspecting people with magical arrows to commemorate your love, you might want to take a closer look at your relationship. And if you're single, not only does it become embarrassingly apparent by your somber mood and lack of an oversized stuffed animal or grossly overkill number of roses to flaunt around your school or office, but you often get roped into participating in even more ludicrous holidays, like "Single's Awareness Day" and receive countless Facebook invites for dinner parties and movie nights themed around the idea of giving Valentine's Day a big "fuck you" while you pitifully watch chick flicks and cram your face with chalky candy hearts and leftover boxed chocolates. As for me, you may be surprised to hear after all my bashing that I am not, in fact, single. My boyfriend hates Valentine's Day just as much as I do (although I have my suspicions that his reasons stem from the amount of money men are typically expected to spend on V-Day), and we've decided to treat it like any other day in our relationship. In fact, I told him that my ideal Valentine's Day would be nothing more than the two of us spending the day together in a nice cozy bed, far away from the cold, the stress, the flaunting couples, and the Hallmark gifts. No flowers, chocolate, stuffed animals, romantic movies, or expensive dinners for us.

this is it.....

God it's been awyl since i've last been here and with the months that had pass ofcorz.. so many things happened.. details that i've could atleast remember some.. oh well, neway.. i've turned to someone far from who i used to be.. there wer moments of confussions and disbeliefs but most of d time my life was full of joy and i remember having fun each night... ofcorz part of the reason of my happiness was argel.. he was always there for me from time to time.. there wer fights ofcorz and relationship won't be relationship w/o those little fights.. everynight w/ him made life easier maybe part of the reason would be because no one's hurting me nemore... and for the longest time of my life... i felt much relieved that i was w/ him coz i know argel would take care of me like no one else could ever do.. well neway enuf with that.. the past 2 months gone so quickly..nights of partying would soon end.. life overflowing of joy.. these are the moments of my life that i wish would never end... i just want the world to stop here for once... but then again.. as i've said this is not me nemore.. m no longer the irish i used to be.. i've done tons of mistake that i might regret in the long run.. i've hurt so many people.. especially mom and dad... i've messed up.. big time... and i know this is the time i've to faced the mess i've done i don't know how to start again and i dunno how to deal w/ my mom and dad... but sooner or later i'd be facing all this.. and that sooner or later would have to be now.. or else... my life would be doomed.. i just wish for forgiveness.. this is not the life i chose but rather this is wer life had took me..

What is life after a break up?

Breaking up from a relationship is either ‘’just-one-of-those things” or a bad blow to your emotions, in short, you end up in an emotional whirlwind and you have no idea how to get out. So, how does one deal with such situations?

Let us look at how people are dealing with break ups. Some people find themselves very lost and depressed that they resort to all kinds of distractions like drugs, alcohol and overeating and even non-committal relationships which get them the high that they want. However, as the temporary ‘high’ that they experience wear off, they find themselves more dependent on these and so more depressed than ever until they are faced with another deeper problem: addiction. Statistics show that women tend to resort to overeating and binge shopping when experiencing emotional hang ups while men turn to drugs and alcohol. These are the self-destructive reactions. No wonder the society is teeming with people who are in bad shape psychologically, physically and of course, financially.

But there are better ways. Some strong-willed people, rather than mope with their heartaches, would channel their attention on some other things. They opt to change and even consider break ups as a turning point in their lives by changing careers, acquiring a new hobby, getting more busy with work, meeting other people and involving in civic and charitable work. They find themselves stronger people as a result and the break up has done them good in the end. However, sometimes when the interest in the change is only superficial or sees it as mere temporary distraction, the problem persists. One may find himself in another relationship which will eventually end up in the same manner or worse. Or one may not even get out of the emotional trauma, finding himself/ herself with depleted self-esteem and unwilling, consciously or unconsciously, to get into another relationship.

So far the best option for anyone is to seek professional or spiritual help. With psychotherapy or hypnotherapy, one may even be helped get to the root of a relationship problem, the how and why he/she tends to be attracted to negative destructive relationships or just to bring back his/her confidence or how to forgive his/her ex and himself/ herself, etc. But these can take a long time aside from being expensive. Meditation and spiritual retreats are the growing trend these days. Many of these centers are found in Asia where meditation techniques originate from oriental religions.

With the different meditation techniques, one finds peace with himself and his being and his thoughts are in harmony with the universe or God. There is an old adage saying that only a person who loves himself can find enough love to give to others. Therefore, one is taught first to find, understand, love and believe in oneself before venturing to other relationships. Benefits that anyone can derive from meditation include inner peace and happiness, forgiveness and understanding of oneself and other human beings, even healing of ailments, more focus, becoming more tuned in to God, and much more benefits that modern science is now trying to explain. In other words, there is really no fear of getting stuck with a broken heart. Break ups should only be treated as learning experiences.

* Fashion Designer Wannabe. I like Tailored Suits.

Whenever there is a gathering of men and women, my eyes are often drawn to the kind of outfits they wear and how they carry them. And I have grand time distinguishing between those who are best dressed from the poorly dressed and those who come in between, from simple to the sophisticated and the daring, flashy and flamboyant and the overdressed – just like in magazines.

I’m not a fashion designer, much less an expert in fashion, but by careful observations, I always pick ideas or useful tips on how colors should be combined, what kind of accessories or jewelries match certain outfits, how a suit should be cut to compliment a certain build, what kind and color of shoes, bag, belt, or even headgear to match the outfit, what kind of fabric, even color to suit the occasion, and so on. By now I can pretty well distinguish easily who are wearing tailored suits or shirts from those who just grabbed their outfits from the stores, especially when they are side by side. When a suit is tailored for a person, it almost always fits perfectly and comfortably, the rich fabrics looking more expensive and elegant, while most off-the-rack outfits are made from poor quality fabrics. Because ready-to-wear outfits are based on standard sizes, they are often ill-fitting or little too loose, long or short on certain areas resulting in the wearer losing his poise. By observing also keeps me tuned in to the latest trends in fashion and I make sure that I am regularly updated of the latest from the fashion capitals in the world. Paris, Milan, New York and London.

Armed with these knowledge, finding the right shirts and suits for myself, or even designing my own wardrobe or dressing in style has always been an exciting hobby. It has indeed helped me become more confident socially. It pays to be a fashion smart by observing others.

ADDICTION.....

We see addiction every day. It's shocking how many kinds of addiction exist. It would be too easy if it were just drugs and booze and cigarettes. I think the hardest part of kicking a habit is wanting to kick it. I mean, we get addicted for a reason, right? Often, too often, things that start out as just a normal part of your life at some point cross the line to obsessive, compulsive, out of control. It's the high we're chasing, the high that makes everything else fade away.
Still, they say you don’t kick the habit until you hit rock bottom, but how do you know when you’re there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse.

Some people believe that without history, our lives amount to nothing. At some point we all have to choose: do we fall back on what we know, or do we step forward to something new? It's hard not to be haunted by our past. Our history is what shapes us... what guides us. Our history resurfaces time after time after time. So we have to remember sometimes the most important history is the history we’re making today.

In life, only one thing is certain, apart from death and taxes. No matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. You’re going to hurt people. You’re going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover... there’s really only one thing you can say...
Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled… old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget...

atlast.........

so yeah. here i am again. and i have NOTHING exciting to write about. ummm, so yeah this isn't what it used to be. my life used to be exciting and i had cool stuff to talk about but now i don't. unless you count the fact that i am indeed talking about how boring my life is. that's something to talk about.
oh and i also just discovered that i can type REALLY fast! yay for me.
anyways,

Ugh, wow! What a CRAZY week! I'm so glad this week is over.
So yeah, i'm home alone all day today, and it stinks! It's so quiet and i have no one to talk to! I need to go do some thingy.. but i'm being a procrastinator. Oh well.
I've discovered this week that people are so confusing. Especially army people, and air force people! I just don't understand them. They confuse the heck out of me. ..

byes~

RANDOM ENTRY.. NOW..

i need a haircut. bad. i hate my hair now. it's wayyy too long. wayyyy too heavy. and i keep putting off getting a haircut. i want it all gone. allllll gone. haha. ok so maybe not. either way. the thought sounds refreshing. ill get around to it sometime.


i absolutely hate it when people start a story and dont finish it. just dont tell me at all. how bout it?


mum,
im tired of arguing with you. seriously. it's so pointless. we fight over the dumbest things. i guess we're both stubborn. we fight. we yell. we appologize. we laugh. it's the same over and over, so why even bother? you make it so hard to be mad at you. you always know what you did wrong, and you always realize that it hurt my feelings--without me even telling you. and you always appologize. you're perfect. why do i push you away? im trying to stop. i will eventually. i just have to get used to you not always being there when i need you. it's okay though, really. im so proud of you. i support you 200 percent. and ill always stand by you. so for the record, im sorry.





whatever. like, im so incredibly over it.

im so tired of this. im tired of people not telling me how they feel until they write all my shit out in blah blah. im so over everyone caring so much about the way that i feel.
IT'S MY BUSINESS!!!

i let you do what you want, and i continue to respect your feelings, and the way that you feel and whether you NEED my help or not i still have your back with EVERYTHING. and i continue to respect that we will never see the same on ANY situation. so why must you criticize EVERYTHING i do?! and maybe im jumping to conclusions and ASSUMING this is about me when it really might not be, but it's making me feel better.

it's almost as though i dont even want to tell ANYONE whats going on in my life anymore. no one understands. no one understands me. not anymore. i used to have so much to do. so many people to hang out with. but now everythings changed. everything. i guess this is the way it's supposed to be. i dont need anyone.

im happy. why cant anyone let me be happy? why cant i do my OWN thing. just like you do yours. i think ive done a pretty good job so far. i can learn from my OWN mistakes. i promise ill be okay.



no one understands me. no one ever will. so stop trying. i know it's easy to bring me down. i know it's easy to upset me. is that why you do it? just to see me break.

done.
im broken.

I missed my mum, and wanna know what else????????

i miss IPSWICH. you know, you spend so many years wanting to get away. get away from all the people who thought they knew you. the boring nights with nothing to do but ride around for hours and sit in parking lots. the stupid drama and crazy fights. the ignorant people. the people who thought they knew everything. the rules. the curfew. high school....and then one day you wake up and you're in college and you wonder where the time went. you realize that you'll never go back to that. the high school dance blah blah. the laughs. the inside jokes. the slumber parties with your best friends. cheering on the sidelines. dancing in the rain. it's all gone. everyone says they cant wait to get away, and some still say they're happy to be away....but i'll be the first to say that i'm not ready to grow up. i want to go back to all that. even the ridiculous drama. i miss everything. i cant wait to go home...



And as for you, why do you walk back in my life thinking we can pick up where we left off. i dont want to pick up. i dont want to continue. it's over. you make it so hard for me. you're completely ridiculous and i hate you. YOU RUINED ME. and i refuse to go back there, back to the memories, back to the nights where you made me laugh too loud one minute and cry too hard the next. i refuse to let you ruin me again. i was never happy with you, ever. and when i said i was, i lied. just like you did. thats all you are, a liar. and i hate you for everything you did. everything you said. i hope you lose sleep at night. realizing what you lost. and who you treated like shit. ill be your best memory. and i plan to keep it that way...

as for my beautiful boyfriend. i love you. and i always will. you're the better part of me and i wont ever let you go. ..

FORGIVE AND FORGET?!

You know that feeling when you've always held anger in for so long for someone and always wished you were doing better than them, or that you're way ahead of the game? well, i've had that feeling towards ahem ahem for about a year now because of what he did. but you know what amazed me today? was when i was so glad to know that he's happy. he's a great guy who has learned from his mistakes and i'm happy for him. i'm tired of holding crap against him, especially when it's a ONE-SIDED competition and i look hella stupid. being forgiving feels so much better than being vengeful.


Be the change you want to see in the world.
- Mahatma Gandhi

MY SPECIAL FRIEND!!!!!

Dear ROBERT MICHAEL CARVER,

Since i can't comment on your RESTRICTED entry, i'll just write an entry dedicated to you :]First, i'd like to say that i'm so glad to hear that you and your mom are improving. at least there's something positive that came out of that day. it's never too late to build a close relationship with her.In my opinion, it's not healthy to bottle up your feelings like that. i've been there and it's a stressful, lonely road. and i know that it seems to be easier than actually opening up to somebody and letting it all out, but if you continue to do that... the outcome can be devastating. I just wish i was there with you. i know that you probably hated showing your vulnerable side to strangers. but there's nothing wrong with a little good cry now and then. it's a way to cleanse your soul. I admire your independence but i'm also scared for you. you've been hurt and disappointed so many times that i pray you don't lose hope. you're stronger than you think so don't ever doubt yourself. you're such a great influence on me because you keep me grounded on my feet and we check each other whenever we know one of us is slipping. i'm always here for you. get used to that. i don't want you to ever feel like you have no one to talk to. i'm just a phone call away :]I thank God for our friendship. i'm so proud of us because our friendship has passed the test of time ...and distance. LOL and i still look forward to the future. you are my FRIEND forever and then some. nothing and no one can ever change that...

feel better

true friends!!!!!

alright, so ive been thinking for a little bit. about who your true friends and how you know theyre true...

girls who drop you for their boyfriends, are not true friends. true friends are people who have never left your side. people who have never talkeda bout you behind your back. people who have always stuck by you, no matter how bad thigns got, or how bad you fucked up. true friends are the ones that still choose to be seen with you in public, no matter how goofy or bad or gross or silly you look. true friends are people who will be goofy, bad, gross, and silly with you. who make you laugh. who act stupid with you. there will be times when you question who your true friends are. but, youll just know who is and whos not. believe me, ive questioned hundreds of time. but i found my true best friends. there the true two. and i love them to death, with everything i have. they keep me sane, and theyve been there for me through everything. and i love them, and i thank them....

let go.....

call me crazy. call me selfish. call me overdramatic. or, you can tell me that you genuinely understand where i'm coming from. and that i'm not crazy, i'm not selfish, and i'm not overdramatic.
is anyone else just extremely unhappy with where their life is now? but they feel stuck, and that they can't change a thing. i know i do. &+ i've been talking to all of my friends, they don't seem to understand. i need someone to understand how i feel, to understand what i'm going through. &+ to tell me that i'm not alone.....


i need someone, anyone, to tell me i'm not alone. i need someone to UNDERSTAND. i'm so unhappy with my life, but i just feel like no matter where, i'm stuck, &+ i can't fix it....


"You just need to cry today; take a break from life and fly away. Let go of hopes and shallow dreams. Let go of pain filled memories."
so, i saw this quote and i thought it pretty much described my life lately. it's just been really stressful and busy and boring..everything has been getting to me. like people just piss me off lately &+ annoy the shit outta me. i just have a lot going on, so i saw this quote and thought "perfect" so, i'm taking a break. i'm letting go of the hopes, and the pain filled memories. [which lately have just been flooding me] and if i wanna cry, damnit, i'm going to do it. because even though it doesn't solve anything, it sure makes me feel fucking better. so, i'm advising those of you who fill like me, to take a break, let go, and maybe cry once in a while. fuck it all, and just live your life.

i hate it..........

1. when i'm sitting next to someone who breathes so loud it sounds like they're snoring.

2. when people put me on speakerphone and i'm not aware of it.

3. when telemarketers call my house.

4. when telemarketers call my huse and can't pronounce a name correctly.

5. when people read out loud when it's unnecessary

6. finding one shoe but not being able to find the other.

7. when people have bad manners.

8. when people shake their foot so hard that you can feel it from across the room.

9. the noise utensils make when they're stuck together and you try to pull them apart.

10. when i'm in a line at a fast food restaurant and people in front of me take forever to order their food.

11. when someone stands over my shoulder watching me while i'm on the computer.

12. when people don't do jack shit at work.

13. when i'm eating something and someone asks if they can 'have a bite' or 'have one.'

14. when friends invite me out somewhere then cancel at the last minute.

15. when people put their boyfriends before their friends.

16. ^ especially when they've been going out with their boyfriends for like, three days.

17. when people chew with their mouths open.

18. when people use the word 'gay' to describe something as 'lame.'

19. when my stomach growls extremely loud.

20. ^ especially when it's dead silent.

21. when people say 'shhhhh.

'22. when there's no toilet paper left in the bathroom.

23. caps lock when people type. IT'S SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE SHOUTING.

24. when people don't use 'you're, your, their, they're, and there' correctly.

25. when people ask me for advice but end up doing the exact opposite of what i told them to do.

26. when people get the hiccups and you're stuck listening to them.

27. the noise Styrofoam makes when you rub it together.

28. when hair strands are left in the shower.

29. when people don't use deodorant.

30. when people stare.

31. hearing babies scream and cry in a public place.

32. when people interrupt me.

33. when people ask me questions while watching a movie.3

4. when you are hanging out with someone and they turn to another person and make plans with them without inviting or acknowledging you.

35. when people borrow my stuff and never give it back.

36. lawn ornaments.

37. when girls wear bathing suit tops and nothing else on their upper bodies in the summer.

38. too much PDA.

39. sitting in the movie theaters and hearing someone eating popcorn.

40. when other people around me talk during a movie in a movie theater.

41. when people obnoxiously ring the door bell.

42. when people change the channel on the tv without asking.

43. how hard it is to open a cd/dvd because of the stupid stickers on the top and bottom of the wrapping.

44. when people don't pick up their feet when they walk.

45. wHeN pPl tyP3 lyK diiS.

46. When People Capitalize Every Word In A Sentence Like This When They're Typing.

47. when people constantly get up in a movie theater in the middle of the movie.

48. when people leave a scoop of ice cream in the container so when i go to eat it there's nothing left for me to eat!

49. when things stick out of drawers.

50. when people constantly click their pens.

for you .. stupid!!!

i love you more than anything in this world & even if you tell me how much you care for me & how much you need me, i would know it's all a lie, because if you cared for me you wouldn't have caused me to stay awake night after night crying over what you put me through. i've been hurt by you so many times, i know it's better for me if i give up and let you go, but you have been such a large part of me for so long.. i dont know if i can make it through this world without you. you not only have captured my heart, but my soul, all of me..but i will let you go, & i will move on & maybe one day you'll realize i mean as much to you, just as much as you have to me, but hopefully by then i wont need you anymore because i already know how that story ends, & to be honest with you, i dont think i'd be able to handle the hurt again ........

whew...

It's like I'm sitting here trying to figure out what is up. Idk how to explain it, but it's driving me crazy. Not neccisarily in a bad way, but in a need to talk about it kind of way. Which, I won't. It's almost like I won't let myself get in to deep for anybody, because I'm setting my expectations too high.. but I'm really not. I don't know, sometimes I just need reassurence. I know I'm not making since, and it's a good thing.