why do we starve??

I have been asking myself that alot lately. I have been questioning the various reasons I could have for doing this, scraping some and holding on to others.
Most of the time I don't question myself or the things that I do and the way I think. It's been nearly 6years since all the troubles started that i'm just used to myself the way I am. But that doesn't mean i'm not tired of being this way and that I don't think I can changed, or rather need to change. I do and I hope to someday.

This is what lead me down the path of 'self discovery' you could say...

I have asked my self many questions about why I self injure, why I continue to self injure and seem to be unable to completely stop and draw a line under it. I don't have many answers to them and i'm working on it.
The main question I was asking myself lately is why I am starving myself, why am I binging and purging and why does this seem normal to me.

I thought to myself about what had changed that could lead to me wanting to starve. I thought about the decision I made to stop self injuring, not just for a while, but forever. I thought about the last time I decided the same thing and as with this time, I began starving, binging and purging and loosing weight.
So that struck me as a insight and I thought more about it.
I compared the stopping now to other times that I had no self injured for a significant length of time and the difference was the fact that those times I had no actively decided to stop, the need was just not there. This time though I have decided to stop and adds considerable measure to ensuring that I don't self injure and maintaining control over the urges and not letting them get to me so that I will ultimately self injure and so not recover.
That's where the starving and such comes in.
The one thing I have when I self injure is self control. Something that is very important to me, I have to have self control, I have to have organisation and things have to be going occording to plan. As soon as I decided to stop self injuring that self control is taken away, or rather the method to gain the self control when it has been lost is taken away. I then need to replace this, or find another way to feel as though I have the control.
With the self harm I have the abilty to regain control anytime it is lost. But without it, i'm so afraid that I will lose all control that I replace the self injury with something that I am able to control all the time. And thus never losing control and not needing to self injure. Hence the starving.
The controlling of food means that at all times throughtout the day I can think to myself that I am in control. If I need more control, I can eat less or exercise more and the weight lose then becomes a sign of the control that I have. The more I lose the more I am in control. This constant control also seems to mask the urges to self injure and so when I get them they are not as prominent in my head and I am able to overcome them.
Although at times I do lose control and this is where the binging and purging comes in to play. At times when things are out of my control, I have the urge to binge and then purge, aswell as the need to self injure. These urges of binging are much easier to handle and I do not give in to them as easily as I would to an urge to self injure that was of the same magnitude.
So although I have been nearly 5weeks with out cutting, I have not been 5weeks without any self injury. Starving, binging, purging and such as all forms of self injury. I am proud that I have not self injured in the cutting or buring sense for almost 5weeks. But the onlt reason I have acheived this is because I am blocking out the urges by starving because I know that I will not be able to fight them otherwise.
I could stop starving, if I try hard enough I could stop. But then I could start self injuring again and that's not what I want. I don't want to risk letting go of this control that I have incase I cannot fight the urges to self injure on my own. I don't think I am strong enough to do that. Not right now anyway. Maybe one day.
So for now I will carry on and one day I will have the strength to deal with the self injury head on and finally be recovered....