i am lonely..

I'm not overly willing to admit to this for a couple of reasons. First, because to admit that I am lonely requires admitting to myself that whatever there was between myself and the guy I've been involved with of late is pretty much gone, and that I can no longer relate to many of my friends. Second, because it is a display of my own weakness. Third, because my self esteem is absolutely in the toilet right now, because I always thought that if I wanted to, I could change my situation and not feel this way, however, this assumption is rapidly and repeatedly being proven false, because it is very much more difficult than that.

I'm a very talkative person. Sometimes I think I drive people crazy because if you don't end the conversation, I generally won't either unless I have some very pressing important matter to attend to. I can talk for hours. And I have a lot of good stories. And it's not that I've necessarily found a lack of people to talk to. I have people to talk to, but they don't have as much in common with me as they used to, and that makes me feel lonely.

I am also a very physical person. I enjoy a good hug, a good cuddle, a good kiss. Despite that, I have never been afforded such pleasures on any sort of regular basis, up until a very recent period of time. And I had learned to deal with that. I was settled into my lifestyle, and I was fine with it. It wasn't ideal, but it was fine, it was tolerable.

Then somebody showed up and essentially showed me everything I've been missing. Going back to the complacent satisfied lifestyle I had before is no longer an option. Because I am lonely. And it's a different kind of loneliness than I had ever experienced, and I'm not really sure what you're supposed to do about it.

I think the biggest problem is, I've been changing and growing a lot recently. I am a completely different person from the person I was a year ago. But this new person who has come out of her shell and done all these things that she used to be so scared of has no place in the life I was living a year ago. Working through my issues, and becoming braver and stronger has been great for me, but yet, somehow braver, stronger me has more trouble dealing with being alone. So braver, stronger me has been trying to find people to spend her time with - intellectually, physically, whatever - and continues to get shut down. And this makes her trudge home with her tail between her legs, wallowing in her loneliness.

Have you ever felt particularly lonely after going through a lot of changes in your life? Have you ever felt like you were developing a different personality? Do you think that feeling lonely is a weakness? What do you do to stop yourself from feeling lonely.