Don't Tell Me It's OK

I've decided that I'm mentally unstable.
I can switch moods faster than anything you've ever seen. Most of the time I try to supress my negative emotions. Who wants to fuck with a bitch who looks mad all the time? Yeah exactly. I used to seem like such a bitter angry person. At the time I was probobly one of the most unappealing people you'd ever see. I like knowing the fact that I can make certain people's days better just because I was there. I have more problems and emotional issues than ever in my life. Can you tell? Probably not.

I feel so boxed in and controlled. I have a lot of freedom for being a minor, but for some reason I want more. I guess I've always been this way, but never to this extreme. I want control. I want to have control over every aspect of my life. And for the first time I have none. I'm very headstrong and seemingly confident, but its not enough to get what I want. I feel like I don't have enough ambition. I have all of these plans and dreams for myself, but I'm too scared to take the first step in persuing them.

This is the first time in months that I actually care about relationships. Since May it's always been a space filler. I knew I was lonely, and I knew that I had many options, and I didn't care. If I felt like I needed some affection I'd take advantage of my options until I had my fill. Now I just want someone to do all of the stereotypical boyfriendly things every female expects in a relationship. I also want so much more than that. I want emotional security, I want the crying shoulder, I want someone to tell me when I'm fucking up. I'm not a mind reader, most of the time I have no damn idea when anything is wrong, I'm not perfect I AM HUMAN and I don't intend on trying to be a perfectionist. I'm a lot more giving than I used to be. A part of me thinks I'm only doing this to make up for all of the horrible things I've ever said and done in my short life already lived.

I'm finally dealing with things as how they are and NOT how they should be. I realized that I don't always have to get my way, I turned in to this draconian bat out of HELL bullying my way to self satisfaction. Fuck it all. I want happiness, simplicity and love. Maybe I should just smoke a bowl, stop showering and beg for world peace. Ha. At least I still have my sense of humor. Maybe this is be cracking? I don't know.